Hopefully, your bonfire destroyed the majority of the infestation. But, since you managed to get bedbugs in the first place, you obviously cannot be trusted for the simplest of tasks. A bedbug can live for over a year on one serving, so you cannot get bitten. Not even once. Since bedbugs have not been a problem for a long time, a government think tank was organized to research solutions of the east. They decided that the Cocoon Method first crafted in the mid 18th century was the best way to ensure modern safety. Certain tools have been updated to fit modern society, but for the most part, it is the same strategy used 200 years ago.

Here is the sketch from a popular book dated 1762 and a modern computer generated mockup. Note the similarities.

When creating your cocoon, the outer layer of your sleeping vessel must be covered in a substance that will restrict the pest's movement. The original instructions call for seal blubber. Flypaper also works, but it is difficult to work with, and since you have no clothes left, difficult to acquire. You'll probably be more comfortable working with Vaseline and I'm sure you probably have a large stockpile of it sitting beside your PC. The majority of your cocoon casing should be made of either bison hide or nylon. Bedbugs are attracted to carbon dioxide, so a snorkel should connect you to the outer world. Inside, you should have a fabric-free pillow and a cotten blanket that is not to exceed the size of a washcloth.

Scientists have been busy building the future generation of the cocoon. Though they are only at stage one, their preliminary sketches seem very optimistic.

If a cocoon cannot be constructed, then you must trick the clever animal. The bedbug is a predator, and all predators act alike. You don't have to be able to beat them--you just need to find something more delicious than yourself. Whether it is a great white shark, a tiny bug, or a sex offender, they all want the same thing--a young boy. The 1762 instructions call for a "member of the sable race," but it has been proven in numerous tests that any race will work. One chained to the foot of your bed should allow you to sleep easier, so long as you have sturdy chains and ample chloroform. In case of extreme infestation, two children or a child and a house pet should work.

For people who are willing to truly sacrifice themselves for the good of humanity, there is also a plan. A secret legend states that all bedbugs are run by a greater "mother bedbug." The mother-bug only comes out once every hundred years to spread a new brood of insects across the globe. If someone could somehow interrupt the motherbug's attack, then the insects would be eradicated. An accurate reenactment can be found by clicking here.

If the fire didn't clear the pests, the cocoon failed, the boybait starved to death, and your grandma is dead then simply stay at a friend's house. Just be sure to keep your insect problem hush-hush--you wouldn't want them to think you're dirty or anything.

For people who have not yet been infected, from here on out refered to as "the civilized," here are a few helpful tips for continued safety:

Avoid the poor. If you haven't been doing this already, then you should really pick up this habit. There has never been a better time to start. By ignoring the derelict, you are not only saving yourself from a possible bedbug infestation, but also improving your outlook on America.

And of course, the safest way to avoid a bedbug invasion is to be tucked in by your grandmother. For years she put you to sleep, instructed you to keep guard against the bedbugs, and gave you a kiss on the cheek. Returning to basics is the only true way to secure safety.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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