Bank money on this information, boys. I might not know much about the sport, but I know everything important about both parties. Ignore those half-assed commentators and listen to this. Here is the most in-depth information on the teams. I'm going to dissect every inch of the teams and give you the lowdown.
Athleticism: The young, muscular colts are good at two things: speed and strength. From what I've seen, they like to run a lot. Sometimes in circles, but in the case of a long field, I suppose they are just as likely to go in a straight line. In this one movie, I saw a gentleman ride a horse really fast, much faster than the other men. So keep that in mind. The majority of the saints reached their status because they didn't run, or they ran and were caught. Whether it was lions, Romans, or lepers, the saints have never been able to outrun anything, and I doubt the colts' defense will be the exception. Advantage: Colts
Focus: Keep an eye out for carrots and shiny things during the game today. Though a powerhouse, the colt is prone to distraction. Consider the game over if there is a storm. My aunt had a pony once, and during a lot of lightning it got all crazy and ran into a wall. It broke its neck and died. But even if the weather is perfect, there are so many distractions that it might be difficult for the colts to focus. The saints, on the other hand spent 90% of their life on boring garbage, so you know they can focus and keep their head in the game. The cheerleaders will have little effect on both teams. Advantage: Saints
Ball Handling: Saints, with their wings and unearthly ability, are able to pull down just about any catch. They also have hands, a feature overlooked by numerous other publications. Though the colts lack the basic necessities to catch a football, it has been proven that horses can play with balls. But will a strong bite be enough to carry a team to victory? Advantage: Saints
Fortitude and Longevity: The saints, historically, have been one and done. One swing of a blade, one bite of a lion, one hanging on a cross. When trouble arises, these guys go fast. The colts push and pull six days a week, every week. These horses just don't get tired of working hard. I've also seen a colt get stuck in a mud hole and then get out of the mud hole. Impressive. But don't count the saints out yet. Upon death, the saints don't rot. Ever. They just get all wrinkly and weird looking and stuff while the horse makes a stack of guts and a glue bottle. I'm not sure how that will play a role in a regulation football game, but it does fit into this category. Advantage: Colts
Play Calling and Mental Ability: The saints aren't just normal fools. These are the All-Stars of sacrificing. However, it is strategy not faith that wins games. Expect an over use of the Hail Mary. On the other hand, the colts' inability to read or understand simple charts will play a major role in their ability to play calls. Whether the beasts comprehend the very function of the game and the down system is still horses can't read while saints partially memorize a whole shit load of repetitive garbage. Advantage: Draw
X Factor: What indefinable trait will lead the teams to victory? Without doubt, four legs will be an enormous factor for the colts. Even the worst member of the colt team has twice as many legs than the best saint. The saints' secret weapon is God, but I am forced to ask "Will he show?" Based on 2,000 years of statistics, the answer is "no." But if God puts his head in the game, the saints are guaranteed victory, if not? It might get ugly. Advantage: Draw
Conclusion: Saints. I think. Pretty sure, at least. If I were you, I'd go out and use up the mortgage on placing a bet. It is savage beast versus nerdy losers; the choice is yours, but if there is one thing I've learned since middle school, it's that the nerdy ones always pull through. If I'm wrong, then I'll see you at the food bank on Monday.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.