lol I think this broad's a witchYou might've recently spotted an article or two regarding this new dangerous virus sweeping the globe by storm, except instead of a storm it's sweeping by people sneezing or spitting or throwing turds on each other. This deadly new virus is named the "Coronavirus" or "ED-209" if you want to use its technical name to sound like you know shit about science. In today's update, I, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka will teach you everything you need to know about this virus, including what it is, where it came from, what its social security number is, and if you can outrun it if you're going uphill but you have those new expensive Nike shoes that are modular or whatever.
1. What is the Coronavirus? A type of fish or something?
No, the Coronavirus is a type of virus. Now you may be wondering, "what is a virus? Also who am I talking to?" A virus is like a computer virus, only it doesn't affect computers, it affects human beings. This is because computers have anti-virus programs, whereas human beings only possess things like tissues or garden hose.
An image of whatever that virus is I'm talking aboutViruses, or "virii" as the spelling doctors call it, are tiny little round things with spikes that float out of people's nostrils when they sneeze or breathe or reminisce fond memories of their grandmother who passed away years ago. A virus can make you sick and cause symptoms such as:
The deadliest aspect of the Coronavirus is that, due to it being a virus, it can be spread through the air, also through water, mulch, casual thought, and most civilian body armor. If somebody with this virus kisses you, you will then be instantly infected with the virus as well, unless you kiss them back within five seconds and shout "no takebacks." Also if you stick your entire hand up somebody's butt and then accidentally put your hand into your mouth, you'll probably get it. I found that one out the hard way.
2. Where did this fish, I mean virus, come from?
This doctor is old. she is studying oldness and winningIt came from the Land of the Rising Moon, an exotic location known as "China." People in China do things differently than people from America do. For example, they create Coronavirus. Here in America, we just create blockbuster Marvel movies and meth.
Many people have been debating if it could be considered racist to call it "The Chinese Virus." That phrase should be understood as DEFINITELY racist, as the "Chinese Virus" is the virus that turns normal babies into Chinese when they're born. These are two completely different virii.
3. What is this virus made from? Polyester?
I guess atoms or something like that. The US Senate is currently trying to ban atoms. That's what my friend Andy told me, and he's usually correct about these things because he watches C-SPAN while huffing spray paint fumes from a popcorn bag.
4. How do I protect myself from this virus?
This man is puking. I drew in the puke but you get the idea. I think it might be ObamaThere are many, many different ways to stay safe from this wad of poison atoms. Here are a few surefire ways recommended by the NCAA (National Center for Atomic Atoms):
5. Thank you for helping me survive this deadly virus! How may I repay you?
Oh just join the forums and get platinum and an avatar and get banned and come back and do the same thing about a billion times. I got medical and legal expenses to pay, and my Helpful Information Guide Full of Facts and Totally Correct Information should be worth at least tenbux from you.
6. Actually no, it really isn't
That's not a question.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.