Congratulations on your newfound Masters degree in Computer Science <Cornell Student ID>! You no doubt have a great desire to put that strong technical mind to good use, but there's one big problem: You can't think of any good ideas! Don't worry, son, we "gotchu." All of us here at the USDA (United States Dads Association) have assembled an exclusive list of good ideas for you to peruse for your next capitalistic venture. It's the least we can do to usher in the new generation of great minds, and hopefully enable you to buy us that sailboat we've always wanted. You're welcome.

  • iLawn" - An app that tracks the length of lawn grass and lets you know as soon as it's time for a good mow. Beer afterward not included! Updates in real time with tracking algorithms.
  • SoftLock" - An app that updates all my passwords into a more convenient, one digit password that's easier to remember.
  • iNebriated" - An app that turns your phone into a real breathalyzer test so my wife stops asking me to do the stupid walk. Why hasn't anyone done this yet?
  • SmartSELL" - eBay but the computer does it. Trades international currencies for MAXIMUM profit! But none of that Bitcoin crap.
  • LawKeeper" - Blue Lives won't have to matter with the LawKeeper! Anytime one of our honorable officers die in action, the LawKeeper brings them right back with DNA. You can't keep a good cop down!
  • Whoopie" - This one's for rowdy boys. An app you can activate remotely for a good crank! Just set the phone under a cushion, wait for the sit, and let 'er rip! Purchase different fart noises for a lucrative revenue stream.
  • whereami.com" - A website you can visit that lets me know exactly where I am, right now. No need for maps!!

Shocked Waitress

"What do you mean I won't get my full 15 percent?! I'm always entitled to your hard-earned cash!"

  • Tipster" - Big red button on the app that you press anytime the waiter commits an infraction (including a shitty attitude!) and lowers the tip accordingly.
  • PasteMaker" - Lets me paste what I copied so I can copy/paste it later.
  • GoldFinder" - An app that lets you use the worldwide GPS to detect gold deposits around the world! Exclusive membership club, people will RUSH to join!
  • EatEnglish" - An app that tells you in plain ENGLISH what some foreign food is. Show it "ramen" and it'll show you "microwave oriental noodles."
  • RepairNow" - Take a picture of your broken car and it orders supplies to fix it straight away. No need to deal with mechanics tryin' to cheat ya.
  • Apptitude" - Gives you advice on how to behave like a proper adult! Respect your customer! Speak when spoken to! Throw out the hair dye!
  • OneShare" - You can share documents just by clicking ONCE. Business owners across the USA would pay BIG TIME for this one.
  • SnackMaker" - A machine that makes snacks instantly! Enter in what you want, and seconds later you have your snack! Doesn't make meals because that wouldn't be feasible.
  • VoteTracker" - Attach a chip to your mail-in voting ballet so you can track it all the way to the White House! Make sure no one tampers with your god-given vote for Trump!
  • StarBucdget" - An app for millennials that lets them know when they're allowed to blow all their money on frappuchino mochas. The trick is, it never tells 'em yes! Should save millions.

Coffee Drinkin Millennial

"Oh no I can't afford my bills! Oh well, time to drink my adult milkshake!"

  • Manvie.com" - A website that tells you whether or not any homo smackers are in a movie and blacklists it immediately.
  • App Name Pending" - It came to me in a dream one night I just need to find my notes. It will CHANGE THE WORLD!!! Call me immediately and I'll tell you when I remember (555) 252-0909
  • Healthi" - Siri but for doctors? Just ask what you have and then I'LL drive to the pharmacy to fix it.
  • PROmote" - Teaching app that tutors the new generation on pulling up their bootstraps. Daily advice and notifications (Microsoft partnership?) on work ETHIC, excuse making, and stupid hair dye!
  • IdeaProtection" - An app that lets me lock my ideas up behind a password gate. Automatically trademarks and patents any ideas that are entered inside, and for extra security, encrypts the data. Uses fingerprint ID only on top of my password and voice recognition. Everyone knows ideas are the most important part of the app-making process!

Congratulations once more, and we look forward to seeing you make our dreams come true!

Sincerely,

The USDA (United States Dads Association)

– United States Dads Association (@slicknicklives)

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