Dear SkyMall,

Notwithstanding his recent attempts to disgrace his cubicle with bizarre erotic statues, I'm pleased to report that Josh Boruff and I have set aside our differences. Now that we've settled the legal and financial matters that drove a wedge between us, we're ready to put our mutual love of SkyMall to good use.

Recently, my head has ballooned to roughly twice the size of a watermelon due to a buildup of foul-smelling fluid. Josh Boruff suggests that it might be due to some sort of hygiene issue, but I'm convinced it's due to a gypsy curse he put on me last month in a fit of pique. I'm forgiven him, of course, but my eyes are starting to swell shut and it's probably time to do something about this.

Due to my the financial burden placed on me by Joshua Boruff (his secret second job simply doesn't pay enough to support my lifestyle), I've been unable to afford a visit to a doctor. The cheese knives I recently ordered also haven't arrived, for some reason.

However, Josh and I spent a few hours poring over the SkyMall catalog, and I think we've found a better solution! Enclosed are two checks: one from me, for $4.76, and another from Josh, for $8.23. Together, these add up to $12.99, the full retail price of item #126896D, the Aerator Sandals.

The basic plan is for Joshua Boruff to place these cleated sandals on his feet and walk over my swollen, fluid-filled head. We believe that this will fully cure my head disease. If the SkyMall medical staff has any objections to this, please let me know as soon as possible.

Looking forward to getting my head lanced by 1 1/2" steel spikes,

David Thorpe

Dear SkyMall,

I wanted to thank you for sending item #126896D (the Aerator Sandals) so promptly. I'm confused as to why they came and not any of my other orders, but it was a blessing to get them so quickly.

This next item is a real doozy. In the sad new front: it's my solemn duty to report that David Thorpe has passed away, possibly due to complications related to me walking on his swollen head with the Aerator Sandals. Given his health and hygiene, medical science will probably never determine the real cause of his death. As you can imagine, I'm extremely distraught by this surprise turn of events. I plan to dedicate the naked lady statue to him as soon as you guys finish sending it.

On a related note, is there any chance you could forward all of David Thorpe's pending orders to me? As he is deceased it would be foolish to send any items to him. As a living, breathing person, I could put them to far greater use. I'm not entirely sure how much money David Thorpe has sent you, but if you could apply it all towards #76004HAM, the World's Largest Crossword Puzzle, that would be great. Please be prompt, because I'm not sure when David Thorpe's meddling family will try to take control of his remaining assets and bank accounts.

Oh, and not that it impacts your business, but David Thorpe was kind of my only friend. As I'm already feeling slightly lonely, could you forward me the contact info for the model featured in item #TNT101? She looks very pretty popping out of that attic tent and I think we probably have a lot in common. Her phone number and address would be great. Do you know if she's any good at managing finances? With all this tragedy in my life I fear a return to my dark days of reckless spending.

Dying to hear back,

Josh Boruff

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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