5 Books to Read Before You Die
How to Halt Aging Completely and Live Forever
Physical Invincibility For Dummies
The Newcomer's Guide to Overcoming All Poison and Disease
Avoiding Situations That Would Trap Immortals
Harry Potter (So you'll have a metaphor for every political situation that pops up until the end of time)
5 Places to Visit Before You Die
The Living Person Nude Beach
Classy Museums With Strict "No Dead People" Policies
Alive and Loving It Festival
Disney World (During the "Half-priced admission for visitors with a pulse" event)
The Shrine Dedicated to Pearl Jam's First Hit Single
5 Meals to Eat Before You Die
A cake with "Congratulations For Becoming Immortal" spelled out on the top in icing
A hamburger with "Congratulations For Becoming Immortal" spelled out on the top in icing
A pizza with "We're Proud Of You For Gaining The Ability To Travel Back Through Time When Earth Inevitably Dies Or (If We Somehow Make It Off The Planet) When The Heat Death Of The Universe Occurs" spelled out on the top in icing
The words "Congratulations For Transcending The Need For Oxygen And Water And Food, Your Body Now Able To Convert All Consumed Matter Directly Into Pure Energy That Heals Damaged Cells" spelled out on the nasty-ass ground in icing
Just a whole bunch of icing, really
5 Potions to Drink Before You Die
A potion that makes the next potion twice as effective
A potion that prolongs your life by 100 years
A potion that makes the potion you drank two potions ago three thousand times as effective
A potion that makes you utterly immortal and invincible
A potion that silences the part of your brain that wonders why you drank the first three potions
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Play your entire PS1 library from a single SD card. But not your Brady Strategy Guides.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.