This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.

***06-12-2306 - New Entry

Interim Commanding Officer Golding and DynaMars Corporation would like to remind all station personnel that just because Resident #055 become stuck to one of the magnetic docking clamps in the Sector A Shipyards does not mean he is an android with a metal skeleton. Many station residents have metal parts sensitive to magnetic instruments.

Interstellar Police are warning of increased Mercury Syndicate activity on Mars. Interim Commanding Officer Golding is putting Cycnus Station on high alert. Please report any suspicious activity immediately.

***06-13-2306 - New Entry

Interim Commanding Officer Golding and DynaMars Corporation kindly ask that all personnel refrain from reporting Resident #055 for suspicious behavior. He is not an android and just because he was caught disabling the security system on the Sector B Airlock Doors does not mean he is suspicious. If he was an android, he wouldn't be able to tamper with station equipment because it would violate his programming.

In other news, DynaMars Corporation has learned that members of the deadly Mercury Syndicate criminal empire have taken up residence in the nearby abandoned Ares Station. Residents are advised to avoid Ares Station even more so than they already do.

***06-14-2306 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation is extremely disappointed to report an apparent hate crime on Cycnus Station. Some cowardly personnel, attempting to out Resident #055 as an android, set off a small electromagnetic pulse grenade that caused him to faint and drop BLUE-CRATE #000355, which he was carrying above his head.

Interim Commanding Officer Golding and DynaMars Corporation would like to remind residents that just because Resident #055 fainted after the EMP was detonated does not mean he is an android. In all likelihood he fainted from complications related to his allergy shot. And since he got right back up after the incident, he is clearly not an android. Furthermore, EMP devices are not to be detonated without first filing ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE DETONATION FORM 244/B.

The guilty culprits are hereby ordered to attend Workplace Sensitivity Seminar #003 at 0700 hours in the Sector G Human Resources Conference Room.

Good news! To improve station morale, Interim Commanding Officer Golding has scheduled a showing of the romantic comedy Love Cop: Precinct of the Heart in the Sector H Cinemas at 1800 hours tomorrow! There will be complimentary popcorn and Shasta Cola for all who attend.

***06-15-2306 - New Entry

DynaMars Corporation is deeply saddened to report that Interim Commanding Officer Golding has been captured by Mercury Syndicate pirates. Although several personnel reported seeing Resident #055 escorting Interim Commanding Officer Golding at gunpoint and handing him over to pirates entering through the Sector B Airlock, this does not indicate he is an android. As we noted before, the android is very friendly and this behavior is far from friendly.

Resident #055 and the Mercury Syndicate pirates escaped with Interim Commanding Officer Golding back to Ares Station. In light of these serious developments, movie night has been canceled.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful