This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
** Welcome to the new Cycnus Station Update Service, Resident #013!
This kiosk is designed to keep you updated on all relevant station activity within your clearance level. Your security clearance is LEVEL 3. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind you that sharing sensitive information with subordinates will result in criminal prosecution.
Please take advantage of the Cycnus Station Update Service, accessible from kiosks located in the entrances to each sector, for all the latest news!
Please read each update in full.
*** Previous updates can be found in the DynaMars Kiosk Archives.
*** 06-23-2305 - New Entry
Welcome to the newest station in the DynaMars Corporation family! Cycnus Station is a state-of-the-art campus with all the amenities you'd expect back home on Earth -- only here on Mars! DynaMars Corporation has spared no expense making sure Cycnus Station is as safe and comfortable as is humanly possible.
Some of you may have heard some imaginative stories about Cycnus Station's predecessor, Ares Station. Contrary to the sensationalized media coverage, Ares Station was actually decommissioned due to a massive stationwide bed bug outbreak.
DynaMars Corporation has taken extensive precautions to ensure Cycnus Station operates smoothly and free from human error. Thus, the station commander role has been eliminated. Cycnus Station is overseen by an infallible, impartial artificial intelligence called LOGMAN, or Logistics-Oriented Global Martian Administrative Network.
Please wave to LOGMAN! He's watching you at all times from an array of 2,305,072 sensors located all throughout Cycnus Station.
*** 06-24-2305 - New Entry
LOGMAN reports a satisfactory first day of operation. Areas of particular interest include the fine work coming from Sector C Quantum Labs. Resident #012's research into reverse-baconization protocols warrants further study. Please congratulate Resident #012 at your earliest convenience.
*** 06-25-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation wishes to inform all Cycnus Station residents of a change to tonight's scheduled dinner of smoked brats. LOGMAN determined a 57.02% likelihood of stationwide stomach discomfort, and has therefore revised the dinner menu as a preventative measure.
The Sector I Mess Hall will be serving salad every day until further notice.
*** 06-26-2305 - New Entry
On behalf of the DynaMars Corporation, LOGMAN has declared Resident #012 Employee of the Month. Due to his strong work ethic, sharp mind, and impeccable grooming habits, Resident #012 readily surpasses the high standards DynaMars Corporation expects from all its employees.
Please congratulate Resident #012 at your earliest convenience.
*** 06-27-2305 - New Entry
LOGMAN wishes to remind all residents that the Complaint Queue is not anonymous. Complaints about LOGMAN, the revised dinner menu, and Resident #012 are not valid uses of the queue. Further abuse of the Complaint Queue will result in salary penalties.
This update is primarily directed at Residents #011 and #013.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Play your entire PS1 library from a single SD card. But not your Brady Strategy Guides.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.