George F. Thorpson, President, Pendelhurst University Memorial UniversityGreetings, students!
Hello, and welcome to the 2010 Pendelhurst University Memorial University Commencement Ceremony. How about that Hoobastank, eh? Those boys sure can rock! Yes, I'll be the first to admit that those funds could have been spent more "responsibly" by going towards much-needed repairs to what's left of our library's roof, but what do a couple of soggy original Faulkner manuscripts matter when you can hear "Without a Fight" played live by two original members of this century's hottest band?
Some of you might be wondering what I'm doing here. While I'm known for my constant communication with PUMU's student body, I'm also known for the eight two-week paid vacations I demanded during the initial interview for my current position -- hey, you haven't seen Pebble Beach until you've seen it on a crisp, June morning through the window of your private helicopter. Truth be told, our original speaker for today's ceremony, Tex "Yank" Gibbman, couldn't make it today, due to certain legal responsibilities I'm sure you've all read about in the newspapers. I'd like to wish Yank good luck at his arraignment, and let him know that there will always be room at PUMU for a Treasury Depletion Specialist of his "stature." Ha ha, maybe that prison food will help him lose a few pounds! Of course, I'm kidding; we've hired Yank some very high-priced lawyers.
Moving on, congratulations to you, the class of 2010. Some of you have worked hard, and some of you, not so hard. For the latter group, I'm proud to announce that our new "Fiduciary Responsibility" program has been a resounding success. Simply put, if all your bills are paid in full, you will receive your degree today. And for those special students who achieved a GPA of 2.0 or higher, you'll find a special little something included with your degree that proves we as an institution appreciate all of your hard work That's right; all of our academic overachievers will receive one five-dollar gift certificate to Arby's; Have a Bacon, Cheddar, and Swiss on me, guys. But you're going to want to check out that expiration date, because I think it's coming up this weekend.
I'm a man known for his honesty, so allow me to be honest: it's a tough world out there, and you're going to have to make some sacrifices. Take me, for instance; under duress, I accepted a mere 20,000 dollar salary increase this year, which was quite the hot button issue in our student paper until I had it shut down and the building demolished. I'm used to being fairly compensated for my services, but ideas such as these are becoming more and more of a fairybook dream for we hardworking members of the middle class. Some of you may not find jobs immediately, even with the highly-regarded Pendelhurst University Memorial University on your resumes. Some of you may contemplate murdering yourselves with common household objects after realizing that your friends who didn't attend college now live happy, healthy lives, unburdened by severe debt. Some of you may be planning to slash the tires on my new Lexus while I'm busy giving this speech, but rest assured I have taken precautions to assure that the events which took place at the PUMU commencement ceremony of 2009 will not happen again.
To these students, I have one thing to say: we are in no way responsible for your future.
When you leave this auditorium, you may notice that your University e-mail accounts no longer work, your library cards are invalid, and former professors refuse to acknowledge you in public. While we appreciate your choice to attend Pendelhurst University Memorial University for these past four years, and tolerate the tripling of tuition over this time period, there's a time when the mama bird has to push the baby birds out of the nest. Sometimes, they fly away; sometimes they hit the ground and are torn apart and eaten alive by wild animals. We at PUMU must remain the callous observers, lest we interrupt this circle of life. Think to yourselves, right now: what will you do?
Oh -- um, okay. Sorry about that. Technical difficulties. You were supposed to hear the uplifting melodies of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," but it looks like those Hoobas did a number on the A/V equipment. So, before I'm off to play a round with Mr. Fuzzy Zoeller himself, in this uncertain economic climate, there's never been a better time to remind you about our alumni organization. For just 500 dollars a month, you'll get your name on a small metal rectangle on our "wall of fame," and the right to have your transcripts released to other institutions, should you choose to continue your education. A small price to pay for the memories of your first "keg drink party" to last a lifetime.
And that telltale collapsing sound can only mean the library has sheltered its last book, so I must leave you before those vultures at Channel 5 are "first to the scene." In conclusion: go Pumas!
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.