This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.
Archer Farms Fruit Punch
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: The final can resting on Target's energy drink shelf was their Archer Farms label fruit punch energy beverage. Somebody plastered a festive sticker across it, which announced to the world this fine drink had been reduced in price to a reasonable 85 cents. If you ever find yourself in Target with an extra 85 cents, and you can't figure out any way to destroy it because coins are too difficult to tear in half, you should definitely pick up a can of Archer Farms Fruit Punch. Then drop it on the floor and see if it explodes, because at 85 cents, it's still 86 cents more than anybody should pay.
This is simply the absolute most boring and banal energy drink I've reviewed today, and that's taking into consideration the ghost wizard water and French fake tea. I feel obliged to congratulate the scientists at Archer Farms for finally figuring out a way to juice Wrigley's sugar-free gum, complete with their obligatory mild throbbing headache and taste which festers in the back of your throat until you become a corpse.
Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: It's fruit punch from slightly rotted fruit. This thing is terribly average, but for some reason I still kind of hate it, much like my boss right now.
Rating: 5 / 10 (Rich), 5 / 10 (Frags)
CRUNK!!! (Sugar Free)
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: In yet another stunning feat of energy drink marketing retardedness, the folks at CRUNK!!! headquarters decided to claim their drink will "arouse" the consumer, among other equally questionable things. This is undoubtedly fabulous news for all the folks out there who wanted to drink their daily recommended amount of "skull cap" and "white willow" while popping a boner. CRUNK!!! also contains "ASHWAGANDA," which I believe is a skinny black woman who fell into the vat of CRUNK!!! during the manufacturing process. Thanks a lot for tasting like shit, Ashwaganda.
I think sugar free CRUNK!!! is supposed to taste like yet another vaguely-defined "fruit." Their website claims CRUNK!!! is based on pomegranate, which I personally find unbelievable. Yeah right, like I'm supposed to believe Lil Jon, the creator of CRUNK!!!, walked up to some beverage manufacturing company and said, "wassup, this nigga want me some POMEGRANATE." What self-respecting black person goes out of their way to drink pomegranate juice? Hell, I can't even think of a single drink containing grenadine that you could order at a club without being stabbed. Feel free to correct me if Lil Jon has ever rapped about Shirley Temples and Tequila Sunrises.
As for the taste? Two words: sugar free. As you're undoubtedly aware, this means "bad." Somebody wake me up when science discovers a substitute for sugar that doesn't make your brain feel like it's about to detonate.
Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: People have stopped shouting, "YEAHHHHHHHHHHH, OH-KAY, WHAATTT?" and all those other Lil Jon catchphrases by now, right? I don't know, probably not, there are still people out there quoting Austin Powers and patting themselves on the back for being so insanely clever and... wait, oh yeah, what's... what's... there's something wrong with my memory, I think drinking all this stuff has... ummm... losing my train of thought here... oh... so... this drink was not very memorable... or maybe it was memorable and I've lost my memory of it... in conclusion, "No."
Rating: 4 / 10 (Rich), 6 / 10 (Frags)
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Much better than its revolting, sugar-free counterpart, the sugar-filled CRUNK!!! actually tastes like a real synthesized fake fruit which might exist in another dimension, possibly one created by Asperger children who spend all day counting wood screws thrown into a plastic Home Dept clearance bin. CRUNK!!! is one of the few energy drinks that intentionally promote their shrewd decision to include "horny goat weed" in their ingredients, which I imagine is critical to the success of an energy drink. Everything tastes better after mixing in a couple pounds of a plant used to make livestock fuck.
While CRUNK!!! may lack the generic stupid energy drink marketing bullshit written across its can, it does display a helpful notice informing the world "This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease." Oh what a relief. Before I read that, I had opened the can and shouted "HEY CRUNK!!! I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE AIDS, HOW THE HELL DO I GET RID OF THEM???" and then I started getting all pissed off, assuming the countless tiny doctors swimming around inside the can were ignoring me like in my HMO. Feel free to clarify your disclaimer by adding "THIS CAN DOES NOT CONTAIN HUNDREDS OF MINIATURE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS."
Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: You know what? Compared to the other drinks reviewed, this is actually quite decent. It does contain that weird gritty, familiar flavor all energy drinks seem to possess, but it's easy to drink and won't inspire you to quit your job and move away from your frizzy-headed boss who forced you to come in to work on Memorial Day just to drink headache-inducing amounts of vitamin B-12.
Rating: 7 / 10 (Rich), 9 / 10 (Frags)
Oh boy, wasn't that an exciting plunge through insanity? As always, feel free to drop me an email suggesting any other vile energy drinks fit for review. And if you work for a company that makes such filth, please keep in mind I'll put anything in my mouth if it's free. Anything.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
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