So you've been following this "Bitcoin" craze (otherwise known as cryptozoology), and you've watched the price of your precious Bitcoins rise from $28 to its current price of over $270 trillion. Now you're ready to cash out and live the good life, because as Notch has shown us all, money can easily buy happiness. Also fatness. Unfortunately, the process of transforming Bitcoin into actual money is a somewhat complicated process, and is actually only known by a total of six people, me counted twice. So here's a comprehensive guide explaining everything you, the Bitcoin Billionaire, need to know about getting your well earned cold, hard cash:
STEP 1: First locate your bitcoin wallet and blockchain regcode, which will be encrypted in your blockbit nobbit, accessible through the Universal Blockcode Bit Registry. You will need your 28-character username and your 483-character password which you created during the Bitcoin Mining Startup Process.
STEP 2: An email will be sent to you containing a 500 million digit code, which should then be entered into your mobile BitAuthorize app within the subsequent six seconds. If you fail to do so within the allocated time limit, your Blockbitcoinchain account WILL be suspended permanently and your bits will be transferred to Tel Aviv.
STEP 3: You have now authorized the authorization app. Go to Crpyto Cashout and register an account with your social security number, bank account number, routing number, date of birth, and four (4) major credit cards.
STEP 4: Please wait six to eight weeks for your account at Crypto Cashout to be verified by the Keeper of the Coin, who goes by "RedPillar420" on the blockchain forums.
STEP 5: Congratulations, you have now entered the Bitcoin Gestation Stage! Your virtual currency is in the process of being minted, and trained experts are weaving a man-made cocoon around it. The pupal casing protects it from the extreme heat temperatures which will occur frequently during the next step.
STEP 6: Using 100% of your CPU and GPU power, you will need to purchase at least 12 other computers and use 100% of their CPU and GPU power for the Entrenchment Phase. Your coins are undergoing a rigorous transformation process that prepares them for the real world by hardening them and using every bit in the blockade chain to coin themselves.
STEP 7: Within the next year, Keeper of the Coin will send you a private email stating your coins have successfully gestated and are ready to be converted to cybercash. This process may cause you to lose roughly .3% - 12% of the base core value due to miscellaneous overhead and transferral costs associated with cryptozoology exchange rates which fluctuate based on MustardCoin and Etherium values in the internet marketplace of things. The email will automatically delete itself within 10 seconds, so prepare to respond IMMEDIATELY with your authorization username and code along with a message such as "keep on truckin" or "have a bitchin summer."
STEP 8: Using one of many services (there are currently two, but one is broken), you can now transform your cybercash into Virtual Bucks, which are universally accepted at nearly every store, currently limited to:
STEP 9: Once a purchase is made on any of these sites, and you have also given the entire country of Russia your credit card information and parents' home address, you can use the provided CashBit BlockCoin App Up Out Authorizer By Russian Verified 100% No a Virus By MacAfee Man Who Hides Under Dirt Pile and Cardboard From Police Man. It will ask you to choose a number between 1 and 500. If you choose correctly, you will now be entered in the Fabulous Prize Winning Contest, which lasts 300 rounds and exponentially increases in difficulty. This is known as the Cash Minting Process Finalizer (CMPF), not to be confused with the Canadian Military Police Force.
STEP 10: Wait twelve years.
STEP 11: If you are bored while waiting, you can purchase an eBook from Sassy's Weed Den, which now offers both The Anarchist's Cookbook and The Fountainhead.
STEP 12: Check the Virtual Cyber Cash Update Chart to see the status of your money. If there is a yellow circle by your username, the process is still ongoing. If there is a red square, you have lost all your money due to something you have done incorrectly (did you fill out online form 1077-RU? If so, why?). If there is a green sphere, you have won a free loot crate for Overwatch (currently not supported, ETA 2019). If there is a checkered moth symbol, more information is required such as your blood type and which Harry Potter character you'd be. If there is no icon by your name, you no longer exist and you are dead. Sorry for your loss.
STEP 13: You are now ready for the final phase: accepting the fact you will absolutely never, ever, ever receive your money you dope hahahahahahaha BITCOIN
Save the guinea worm? Him good worm. Part of environment. Green jobs.
This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.