Republicans proclaim that everyone who makes less than $100,000 per year must give half of their money directly to billionaires. The other half of their money must be given directly to the military.
Democrats' Response: "Hey... hey! That's 100% of most people's money! Can we compromise and make it 90%? As a show of good faith, we'll vote to gut education and health care."
Headline: Some Democrats - Stinging After Loss - Claim New Republican Plan Disproportionately Helps Rich
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one seeing a single line of text. Not even the voting representatives. The only exception is the lobbyists who write the bills.
Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, the handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
Headline: Big Win For Conservatives
Republicans announce new nationwide voting rules. Polling stations will only be located in high-income areas guarded by Trump's private mercenary intelligence soldiers. After STANDING for the national anthem and the re-written 2018 version of the pledge of allegiance, votes must be cast by stating the candidate's name out loud in front of your fellow citizens. If you're voting for the correct freedom you have nothing to hide.
Democrats' Response: A gif of Lena Dunham rolling her eyes, posted on Twitter three weeks after these voting changes have been implemented and all dissenters have been rounded up
Headline: Republicans Come Out Ahead In This Fun Game Of Politics
Republicans reform the Supreme Court. From this point forward there is to be only one Justice, the president of the NRA at the time of the seat's opening. They insist that removing numerous salaried judges will reduce federal waste and ultimately save taxpayers money.
Democrats' Response: "We look forward to working closely with the president of the NRA. Our society is at its best when we respectfully observe a peaceful transition of power."
Headline: Latest NRA-Issued Death Threat Video Casts Minor Pall Over Latest Conservative Victory
Republicans legalize pedophilia, sexual assault, corporate crime, and treason so long as the perpetrator belongs to the right-leaning moral majority.
Democrats' Response: Spending absolutely no resources to promote democratic candidates in winnable election areas, for no reason at all.
Headline: With Legal Red Tape Cleared, Republicans Poised To Score Big
Republicans outlaw all news media not controlled by the state. Only Breitbart, Fox News, Infowars, certain radio hosts (you know who), and the Tim Allen message boards remain.
Democrats' Response: "While this development is regrettable, we must respect the rule of law. It is what makes us the greatest nation on the planet."
Headline: Sources Say Trump In Good Spirits After First Big Win Since Declaring the Free Press the Enemy of the American People
Republicans unveil the Large Machine in which all poor people, teachers, and scientists are to be mulched for the fertile soil of our glorious National Park lands, which are available for purchase directly through the president's associates.
Democrats' Response: "We object, in the STRONGEST terms, to the lack of handrails on the Large Machine's conveyor belt."
Headline: Hillary Clinton Did Benghazi To Hide Creation of BLACK THUG Obama-Led Islamic Deep State Headquarters In White House Handout Basement
Astronaut AJ Tucker returns from a long hiatus to offer his insight about the possible "alien probe" spotted zipping through our solar system.
Item #1: Are you some kinda minority or somethin'?
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
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