Psalm 101:3 warns us, "I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless." But Philippians 4:8 offers us hope, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." A fair reading of these two passages suggests that the Bible is open to the idea of binging on your favorite prestige dramas and well-written comedies. The Lord does not want us to squander the time he has given us on House Hunters and Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, but he celebrates with us when we enjoy 18 straight hours of Mad Men or The Wire. Go ahead, knock out an entire season of Kimmy Schmidt in a single sitting. Black Sails? Eh, it's on the bubble, but I'll allow it because season 2 was much better than season 1.
Church is boring for everyone and according to the Bible there is no reason to go, so long as you observe your faith in private. "The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man," reads Acts 17:24. Matthew 18:20 agrees, "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." Basically, church is totally optional. Go or do not go. I mean, if you are into the activities, cool, hang out and socialize. If that's not your thing, man, don't worry about it. You get two days for the weekend. God doesn't want you spending half of one of them listening to old guys try to come up with pop culture references to connect with their dwindling congregations. The real Fury Road wasn't the one walked by Jesus Christ to Calvary. Sleep in and go to a matinee.
Sure, why not? Proverbs 24:13 says "My son, eat honey, for it is good, and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste." Honey was basically candy in Bible times. These days, we have all sorts of delicious and enjoyable candies, from Toblerones to Kinder Surprise Eggs. Do you think the Apostles would have turned down a Heath bar? Maybe Paul, he had lousy teeth and couldn't handle toffee. God does not find issue with the rich taste of a Reese's Cup. Have one for breakfast. It's always snack time somewhere in the world.
Actually, video games are good for you and for your morals. Play them as often as you like and you will improve your mind. God loves you and your video games so long as you do your best to avoid tropes against women. Gaming should be inclusive. Galatians 3:28 says, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Honor the Lord in all of your actions within the video game's virtual world. That means no hookers if you are playing as Michael in GTA V and minimize your use of koopah shells to eliminate opponents in Mario Kart. The Lord is our Game Genie, let us unlock all of the secret levels with the code he has provided us.
In Hebrews 13:4, it is written, "Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers." Hebrews also speaks of the power of oaths and contracts to create honorable agreements under the eyes of God. This is why it is very important that you establish rules of who can do what and to whom before you engage in a threesome. Guys, it is only fair if your wife is interested in another man in the bedroom if you get to have another woman. If you can't hack that then don't go down this road. Be sure everyone is on the same page, literally, by swearing an oath before you have the threesome. This agreement can cover up to seven other people in a bedroom scenario. After that it becomes an orgy, technically, which I am still reading the Bible very carefully to find a loophole for that one. Watch this space.
First Corinthians implores the married, "Do not deprive one another." This includes all sorts of kinky things. It is good if the woman is placed atop the man in a position of 69. This is a natural and good thing. Enjoy it. Feels good. Nowhere in the Bible does it forbid this position. Also if a woman is atop another woman or a man atop another man, that's cool, God still loves you even though I'm still working the angles on the gay marriage thing with the bishops. Guy on guy 69 could maybe get sort of weird for the guy on the bottom unless he is into rough stuff. If not, try a sideways 69. No one is going to choke to death this way.
Proverbs 22:15 says that, "Young people are prone to foolishness and fads; the cure comes through tough-minded discipline." To embrace memes is to subject oneself to the weakness of youth. To use an average Pepe, a run-of-the-mill Pepe, is indulging in our worst instincts to go along and follow our peers. The strong-willed among us will seek out the knowledge of lesser-known Pepes. To discover and bring about one of these so-called Rare Pepes is completely in keeping with the traditions of Jesus Christ. But beware, the tree the Lord planted in the Garden bore knowledge of good and evil and so too does the seeker of the Rare Pepe expose himself or herself to the truth of creation. Memes can be dangerous to our soul.
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
In our new cat society, things have really gone from bad to purrse.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.