This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.

There is nothing a little bit of sleep and food cant cure when it comes to me!! Feeling fine the prescription was plenty of rest and plenty of food so every day i have 4 lean cuisines and 6 hours of shut eye. Nothing can harm me I'm an invincible man. now my car smells like a dog lives here but i don't have a dog

I get a lot of sleep now. Last night Parked underneath a very pretty tree but when I woke up this morning it looked like the birds held a bathroom party on my windshield and hood. Sometimes these birds make me so mad that I wish they were the humans and we were the birds and we could show them how much they make us mad. If I were a bird i would not want to have the bird cloaca I would like to have the regular human family jewels hanging out. i would not only dook on their cars but also swoop down really low with my Tomatoes hanging down and fly real low so i could slide them up the windshield of some cars leaving a large oily streak

Before I forget, I have begun writing my novel to let the creative juices out. It is about a small town who, through a computer voting glitch, elects a horse to be the mayor of their town. Things go along fine for a while until scandal rocks the town when it is discovered that the horse has begun going through horse puberty. (Hair was growing in places and it was getting Arousals at the sight of girl horses) The town begins to protest and the horse / horsemayor gets enough criticism and decides to take matters into his own hands and in an act of desperation decides to run at full speed over large boulders, banging them into his turgid body part trying to make it go down. I imagine the horses voice to sound like James Earl Jones but i dont say that in the book

Something that comes to mind is the time you kids got angry at me for buying you all a bunch of vhs tape rewinders for christmas and that was all you got The next year to get your revenge you guys just bought me a whole bunch of watch batteries which I felt were going to be useful until your cat got into them and ate a bunch and then got sick. Your bad gift hurt your own cat and not me. Another way I was invincible. Did that cat die or is that the one you still have that went blind and shrieks and groans loudly 24 hours a day??

Also take into account how this morning I didn't notice that I was eating a nest of fruit flies until the tiny little raisins box was 3/4 of the way gone. I don't know my own strength I am like a huge beagle wrecking a delicate house of cards in all my dealings. Could you imagine if you were to go outside and discover a guy poundiing on your car? it happened to me once last fall i was redoing the finish on my dining room table at the time when i heard "argh!!! yeah!!! agh!!!!" the sounds of a dude pounding on my car. well i got up went to the window and my jaw dropped and my cig fell out so i ran outside and said "snikt" it was dark out so he didn't see that i didnt actually have wolverine claws but he didn't put up much of a fight lets just say i fought better kids back in high school (I once got in trouble for trespassing at a high school [LOOKIN FOR CANS]) And while i am asking questions what the heck is LGBT?? Legbat???

The horse mayor is turning out to be a tragic figure who doesnt know the power he has both figuratively and literally. Right now the story ends when he dies from blood loss but I am going to workshop his character some more.

Q: what did the skeleton buy with his economic stimulus check?

A: a big scream tv!!!!!!!!

That was on the cb radio, gave me a chuckle. Then some guys came on and cussed at that guy so I turned it off... but let me tell you a secret. I was him... I was that guy who said it. Surprised? You Should Be. I'm not stoppable!!!

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful