This article is part of the Drinking Fountain Reviews series. Score: 97%

Certified PURE

Rug Emporium
752 Main Street
Shaggy Butte

Tensions are bubbling up as Shaggy Butte's thirstiest gulpers have been hung out to dry. The Rug Emporium, home to the town's most popular fountain, has been taken over by foreign invaders. Will Shaggy Butte's gulper community be forced to find a new watering hole, or will the invaders be repelled? Senior Editor Chris Bluefield

What the hell? I went to the fountain this morning to do my usual fill up, and wasn't allowed to use it. Some large eurotrash muscleman was squatting the fountain, and wouldn't budge. He pretended he didn't understand me. I had to walk out of there with all my empty jugs. I've never been more furious in my life. Who is this bozo?
Posted by Skinny Sipper 4 days ago

I can verify what Skinny Sipper posted. There's some kind of Nordic brute who won't budge. I waited three hours and he never left, not even to pee. He was drinking a lot of water, too. He's gotta be diaped up, which means we could be looking at another Holiday Inn lobby standoff. We all know how ugly that one got.
Posted by h2original 4 days ago

His gulp game is pretty impressive. We can hate him all we want, but we have to respect his skills. I saw him do an uninterrupted 30 minute power sip. I can't go more than 45 seconds.
Posted by Soggy Steve 4 days ago

I got some intel on this human drain plug. I think he's in cahoots with the owner of the Rug Emporium, who acted like it was no big deal this guy was glued to his fountain, and then asked why any of us never look at his rugs. I took a look at his rugs and laughed in his face. How is this moron still in business? Who the hell buys rugs?
Posted by Inflow 4 days ago

I just got back from my trip to the Rug Emporium. I had all my jugs in the back of my Subaru, ready to fill them up. I never got the chance. This giant idiot was blocking the fountain the whole time. When I asked him if he was done, he just stared me down while letting the water run. All that delicious, pure water running down the drain. I had to run away. I couldn't take it.
Posted by Fluid Dynamics 4 days ago

OK, this is not cool. Went back this morning first thing. Was there even before the owner got there. As soon as he unlocked, I rushed to the fountain to discover... you guessed it. Either he stayed there overnight, or the owner let him in through the back. Once again, I wasn't able to get any water.
Posted by Skinny Sipper 3 days ago

I'm pretty sure the woman sleeping in a car outside is his wife. I've seen her go in, and he lets her get sips. I'm so desperate for another taste, I tried to pay her to smuggle me out some water, even if just a mouthful. She called me disgusting, which is clear grounds for a slander lawsuit. Might see about taking this to court.
Posted by Liquid Lover 3 days ago

HE'S TOO STRONG. I tried to pretend like I didn't notice him and maneuvered my way in beside him while he was drinking, be he just couldn't be moved. Worse, I felt like a wet bandit, trying to catch his runoff. I admit, it tasted good. This fountain is just so pure and perfect. I refuse to go to an inferior fountain while this one is still in operation.
Posted by Thirsty Man 2 days ago

This man is hurting my family. This is the only source of water I will allow them to have. This is without a doubt the best fountain in a 15-mile radius, which is as far as I'm willing to travel for my family. He should be arrested. My children are miserable and dirty, and my wife won't stop yelling at me. His callous actions could literally lead to my children dying and my wife leaving me. All for what? To prove some kind of terrible point? This is why we need a border fence. He's not one of us, but he's taking everything from us.
Posted by Fluid Dynamics 2 days ago

I thought this fountain was overrated, and nowhere as good as the one in the mine inspector's office. Now that this lunkhead is trying to say we can't have it anymore, I'm furious. I'm wondering if he'll be so selfish about sharing if I show up with my AR-15. Think I'll see if he feels so tough when he sees what I'm open carrying.
Posted by The Gulpsman 1 day ago

Once again, the chief of police laughed at me when I complained about this situation. He offered to let me drink from the hose behind the police station. I told him I already tried it, and it wasn't any good. Once again, he proves government-funded services are a joke. When will they privatize these services so we can get some true law and order, as dictated by the free market?
Posted by Fountainhead 1 day ago

>Even with my AR-15 clearly visible, he still wouldn't let me drink. His wife just cussed me out and laughed at me in some awful language I didn't understand. I don't know why, but it really hurt my feelings. I can't stop crying and I really, really hate them.
Posted by The Gulpsman 1 day ago

THERE ARE TWO OF THEM NOW!!! I think they are brothers and they are absolutely dominating this fountain. The owner definitely hired these goons. He doesn't respect us or our community, even though we were frequenting his business nonstop. One time I even threw him a bone and bought some overpriced bottle of rug cleaner, which I wasn't obligated to do.
Posted by the Skinny Sipper 5 hours ago

FACT: These guys are not Americans. Americans don't talk in Swedish or whatever it is they talk. Thus they are a foreign power illegally occupying American soil. This could only ONLY ever happen under a liberal president. We are witnessing the dying gasps of American dream right there in the Rug Emporium. America needs water, but foreigners are sucking us dry.
Posted by Freedom Sipper 2 hours ago

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Reviews of Shaggy Butte's drinking fountains, from and other rival sites.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful