People can't stop talking about this Donald Trump character. He's said a lot of crude and hateful things over the years, and demonstrated a tremendous lack of judgment, discipline and decency. If you ask me, he's not fit to be our president. In fact, he's not even fit to be mayor of Buffoontown.
For one thing, Buffoontown already has a mayor. Sure, he's currently stuck in a barrel that's wedged in a doorway, but he was duly elected with 110% of the Buffoontown vote. If Trump wants to be a mayor, he needs to wait his turn and run properly.
You might bring up the fact that the mayor would be happy to resign, and that he got himself stuck in that barrel to avoid his responsibilities. It's also fair to bring up the fact he campaigned and won by accident. All good points. Still, Trump has offered no solutions to Buffoontown's problems.
Does Donald Trump know how to get the skunks out of city hall? The Chief of Police himself has already been sprayed and clawed dozens of times, along with two firemen and three hobos. One of those hobos was a former skunk wrangler. If he can't get the skunks out, how is Mr. Moneybag's going to do it? And don't say "buy and release a bunch of snakes," because the mayor already tried that and the snakes ran away.
Does Donald Trump know anything about catching pythons? Because that's required knowledge for any future Buffoontown leader. There are dozens loose in town, and somebody needs to catch them. You're probably thinking, "Trump could just hire somebody to lead the pythons into the big sinkhole on Main Street." That's a terrible idea, because there is a school bus full of children stuck in that pit. The last thing they need is a bunch of hungry snakes trapped down there with them.
Donald Trump claims to be a builder, but you're kidding yourself if you think he can just build a new Main Street. That doesn't get those kids out of the sinkhole, or the Chief of Police. He's down there, too, because he was trying to retrieve his gun that he dropped before any kids got it.
Donald Trump claims to be a negotiator, but he has shown none of the patience needed to negotiate with Ricky Dylan, the 6th grade bully with a gun who is now King of the Sinkhole. Not by a long shot. Even the Chief of Police answers to him now.
The Law and Order Candidate will have a tough time cleaning up crime without a functional police force. He's no match for Bank Robber Bill, the most notorious bank robber in all of Buffoontown. We've all seen the robbery plans he keeps advertising in the newspaper. If he ever acts on them, our money is as good as gone.
What's Trump gonna do, build a wall around the bank? Great idea, Donald. Now we can't get inside to get our money.
You might say that Donald Trump could fill some other important office in Buffoontown, but I don't buy it. What's he going to do, be the town dog catcher? He wouldn't last two seconds against Spoilsport, the meanest dog in three counties. That mangy mutt is why so many good townsfolk end up naked in trees.
For all his purported business acumen, it's highly unlikely Trump could ever outwit Eddie Fast Hands, the town's number one con artist. Trump will lose all his money, and Eddie Fast Hands will once again buy up the town's hamburger supply, dump them all in his pool and swim through them totally nude.
Trump is not even fit to be one of the town drunks. He has none of the charm of Loud Henry, and there's little chance the gold-plated millionaire will come close to matching his volume. Can he drive as elegantly as Drunk Dan? Thirty seconds behind the wheel of Drunk Dan's truck, and Trump would have spilled turnips and townsfolk all over the streets.
Donald Trump can talk all he wants, but it's just talk. Vile, hateful talk. What Buffoontown needs is solutions, and good ones. If Trump absolutely has to run something, then he might want to try running for mayor of Clowntown, the next town over. Buffoontown is too good for him.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
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