The White House recently released their requirements for the upcoming Not So Great Wall of America. While Fox highlighted three of the main talking points, the internal memo was much lengthier. I have read through the entire 5,938 listed criteria necessary to be met, and believe some of these seem somewhat useless and / or unnecessary, potentially a waste of our US taxpayer dollars. Read at your own risk.
Must be 30-feet high (1,473 hectometers).
Must look good from U.S. side. From Mexican side, must display series of explicit pornographic images edited with footage of drone strikes and the caption "YOU'RE NEXT" in Mexican or whatever the hell language they speak down there.
Difficult to climb or cut through. Must not be edible. If a Mexican licks it, it should taste like poison, which is what their side of the wall should be composed from. If an American licks it, they get a $10 gift certificate for The Olive Garden. It should not expire.
Wall must be composed of existing materials, as opposed to theoretical or existential building supplies like Thought Lumber or Atomic Plaster.
If a Mexican approaches the wall, a loudspeaker must scream "GO AWAY, YOU'RE MEXICAN, STAY IN MEXICO" (again, this should be translated into Mexican so they understand it). If the Mexican ignores the wall and continues to approach, the loudspeaker should begin chanting demonic spells to summon The Dark Unmentionable One. If the Mexican somehow manages to disregard this, the loudspeaker should begin shooting 50-caliber rounds of explosive tipped ammunition at their head, because the loudspeaker is also a gun. We should've mentioned that part at the beginning.
These people are very happy about the wall, which I guess is on TV?
Americans approaching the wall will be granted three (3) wishes by The Wall Genie. Mexicans will be granted one (1) wish, so long as that wish is to have their balls shrivel up and never be able to produce semen again, because their side of the wall is also irradiated.
If a Mexican manages to get on the wrong side of the wall (the American side, in America), a catapult should appear from a nearby depot and immediately crush them beneath its tires.
In addition to preventing Mexicans from entering, wall must also ensure various other dangerous things are blocked out including harmful UV rays, foul odors, the sense of futility, Dr. Frankensteins, the monster of Dr. Frankenstein's Mummy, Mummy Frankenstein, Count Mummy Presents Doctor Dr. DDR Beat Max Edition, Ultra Mexicans, mean ghosts, unclaimed debt, and anything resembling the sense of general malaise.
Real wall should be surrounded by patented "Fake Real Wall" which looks like the real wall and gives off a false sense of confidence when crossed. This will help break their spirits and cause the evil Mexicans to exclaim something along the lines of "I've been hoodwinked" only in their language and probably utilizing several curse words.
This is a fancy wall. Note there are two of them. Two walls are known as a "walf."
Wall must obey all known and unknown laws of physics, and may not, at any point in time, needlessly float into the ether or become a corporeal, sentient being who knows and senses all, because those creatures will not qualify for healthcare.
High tech security sensors should be embedded at 20-foot (94.37 cubic rectometers) intervals. They should not actually serve any known purpose or function, but must cost a lot of money and require repeated routine maintenance by full time professionals.
Wall must be built in all known languages so every human being can understand it's a wall, as opposed to something which is not a wall, like oatmeal or the illusionary concept of relative time.
If somebody attempts to stand on top of the wall for whatever reason (such as climbing over it and then pausing to reflect upon their accomplishment), the wall should make them say "oh no, now I'm dying" because the wall should be killing them in some creative way (maybe there's pieces of broken glass or IEDs or those bugs from that movie about the bugs which light the hair of 1970s people on fire).
The wall should actively discourage living creatures from attempting to impregnate it. In the chance an individual (or individuals if a so called "train" has been run on the wall) does successfully impregnate the wall, the baby wall may NOT be aborted and the responsible parties WILL be forced to pay sufficient child support until the baby wall turns 18 or they are murdered in a drone strike, whichever comes first.
The internet should, at all times, be monitored and report any negative things said about the wall in both social and anti-social media. This includes, but is not limited to, phrases such as "did you hear about that wall? I hate it!" and "you know what sucks? Wall." Punishment for Mexicans disparaging the wall should be, at minimum, instant death. Punishment for Americans will consist of three DMCA takedown notices, followed by instant death.
I think this is a ghost wall.
The wall must be built in a method in which it can never be disassembled in any way for any reason. At the end of time, when the universe simply stops existing, all that remains should be God and a wall preventing him from reaching the area where America once occupied.
If a Mexican somehow manages to become intangible, either due to mutant superpowers or an accident involving quantum physics, they should be allowed to travel directly through one of the six wall's "EXPERIMENTAL ENTRYWAY" ports. These will consist of an old wooden door with a spray painted sign reading "YOU CANNOT USE THIS DOOR UNLESS YOU'RE INTANGIBLE (WE'LL CHECK YOUR ID TOO WHEN YOU ENTER, WE'RE SERIOUS, NOT KIDDING AROUND HERE BUDDY)." No guards should be required to monitor this door because we believe the sign will sufficiently keep the bad people, who will be scared (of the words written on the sign) away.
The wall should not constructed in a way that wily malicious Mexicans cannot trick it, such as making the wall believe they're leaving by entering it in reverse, backwards.
Wall must use solar energy to its advantage (such as getting hot, maybe so hot that if somebody asks their friend "hey, want to go smash our faces against the wall?", their friend will say "no" or "let's play Nintendo instead").
Wall should always remember which side is America and which side is Mexico (one is on one side and the other is on the other). Wall should NOT be fooled by individuals claiming the reverse, no matter how experienced a trickster they might be, such as Thor's asshole brother whose name we can't remember but the black dude with one eye put him in jail in that one sequel we think.
I will let you all know what else I find as I continue to read through the proposal, as I have only reached page 12 so far.
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.