Hey, mom, I just wanted to shoot you a quick email that I just heard back from my boss and I got the promotion!! How cool is that?

You were right! All I had to do was go into Tom's office and tell him that I deserved it and make sure he understood what I was doing for our country. He listened to me and I wasn't sure it made a difference but then just a few minutes ago Tom called me into his office.

He was like, "Ryan, you're right, you have streamlined separation procedures and you have figured out a way for us to get more kids into a limited numbers of cages. We're expecting a new shipment of kids next Wednesday and I think you're ready to handle twenty cages."

20 freakin' cages, mom! That is five times as many cages! I am so pumped. I think it was because I came up with the whole "take their shoe laces and make them wear flip flops" thing so they stopped hanging themselves from the coat hooks.

The perks are sweet as hell. I get a parking spot right in front of the mural with the jets flying over the president's head. I get a bigger stick to poke them with and I also get a bracket to hook my phone's translator thing up to a megaphone so all 20 cages can hear my Google translate. I've picked up some Spanish but it's better when you let the robot voice do the yelling at the kids. That's one of the things I have figured out.

Also, came up with a new way to deal with claims by the younger kids that they were assaulted by the older kids. It turns out if you treat them like they were in a regular fight you can put both of them in solitary isolation and things just sorta work out when they go into that staring mode where they don't talk at all anymore. We call it Zombie Mode. Once they're Zombie Mode they won't fight or attack or whatever. They are much more chilled out.

So I think Jenny and me are going to buy that house we've been looking at. I mean, once my paycheck goes up. Also she can quit her second job at Starbucks because my promotion comes with that family health thing. Oh, and I get to carry a gun too. It's called an Armed Officer position. So if there is a riot or something with the kids I am authorized to use deadly force. Hasn't happened yet, but pretty soon here we're fixin' to go from 5 to 6 per cage and that means I'm going to have to work overtime to Zombie Mode them fast enough.

Anyway, hope you and dad are doing well! See you on the Fourth of July!

God Bless!


– Ryan Schmidt (@sexyfacts4u)

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