I opened the door to the convention center and was met with darkness. Not a single light was on. It was eerily quiet, the only sound a strange sort of shuffling coming from many directions. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.
"SURPRISE!" yelled everyone as the lights came on. Confetti rained down from the rafters, where an enormous Gears of War Funko Pop banner had been painted over to read Happy Birthday.
Shuhei Yoshida, laying face-up on a skateboard, slid out from under my seat during Sony's press event and grabbed my ankles while shouting "Boo!"
Susan Kath of Bethesda Game Studios handed me a polka-dotted can of mixed peanuts. When I opened it, a number of paper snakes sprung out into my face.
The line to play ten minutes of Forza Horizon 4 was over three hours long. As I stood there wishing the line was one and a half hours long to play a two minute demo, I noticed an odd pattern on the floor beneath my feet.
Xbox executive Phil Spencer, who had been standing nearby solemnly the entire time, caught my eye and grinned as he sprung into action. He pulled the enormous red lever at his side and the trap door beneath my feet swung open.
I feel nearly fourteen feet into a plain cemented room, my ankle snapping gruesomely.
In a closed-door press screening of Cyberpunk 2077 footage, a quiet scene was interrupted when a scary witch's face flashed on the screen along with a high-pitched shriek.
Elijah Wood graciously agreed to pose for a picture with me. Later, when I looked at my phone's camera roll, he was absent from the picture. How was this possible? "I was a ghost all along," he quietly stated inches behind my ear.
I spun around. Elijah Wood extended an arm and raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to shake his hand. I did so, and that was when his ingenious plan came to fruition, for he was wearing a joy buzzer.
Geoff Keighley popped out of a trashcan and punched me in the kidney.
When I returned to my hotel room, I opened the safe and discovered that all of my gold coins had been stolen by Wario.
Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford lost a USB drive filled with sensitive company secrets and pornography in a Medieval Times. We obtained a directory listing of the entire drive.
Tidying expert and joy sparker Marie Kondo responds to critics who were outraged that she would tell people to reduce the number of corpses in their house.
Unlike the Phantom, Ouya, or Glaze3D, this console will be an actual product. Or will it?
Mr Tip Says: Throw yourself in the well
This coupon entitles the holder to one free visit to this article
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.