February 11, 2014

If life begins at conception then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 28, 2014

Wow I can't believe Obama wants to transform America into a giant flat checkerboard plane with chrome spheres floating above it

— supermoof (@supermoof) January 29, 2014

well i'm basically the amanda palmer of the vape mod community so

— Lydia Burrell (@LydiaBurrell) January 29, 2014

Hi I'm The Weed Smoker Hope Uoure Having A Blazin Day And Blazin Night. Stay Blazed - Weed Smoker

— Horney BodSkeleton (@kawaiidildog) January 30, 2014

Yeah sure, hand me your controller while you take a bong rip. Hope you like the new layout #bitch #thegamerlife #thewednesdaynightgamesesh

— Big Ball Pervert (@Perfect_Beanis) January 30, 2014

1970s: pubes are awesome, let's all grow huge pubes! 2010s: no pubes, shave off the pubes! 2040s: tobto pubetar! Orf ploff puba puba torbtar

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) January 30, 2014

#SexyRestaurants mcdonals uh with pussy showing. aim loving it"

— Ann Boobus (@a_girl_irl) January 30, 2014

No, no let me. I insist. *rips open velcro wallet*

— tony logan (@tnylgn) January 30, 2014

lou bega beckons his son closer and whispers something as he dies. it was either Mambo number sex or mambo number six the son couldnt tell

— Dink Magic (@DinkMagic) February 1, 2014

Dave Navarro has been sued for attempting to tour as the Red Hot Chili Peppers three separate times since being fired in 1998.[4][5]

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) February 1, 2014

Dad just started Skyrim. He named his character "dad"

— Ur Glam Pal Charlie™ (@CannibalKisses) February 2, 2014

one time i was getting coffee and a dude was trying to impress a girl by talking about npr and he literally just recited the schedule

— adam (@burgerkrang) February 2, 2014

by body is dyeing and rejecting the progresso i ate...

— Greaser Heart Throb (@MuscularSon) February 3, 2014

Tony died at the UFC and this account is now run by his friend Cody from karate class

— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) February 3, 2014

A Marine is in a class with an Atheist Professor. "I came back from war simply to find the Knock out game?" - Please Share With Old People

— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) February 4, 2014

steven tyler: draym on draym ohn draym ohn *screeching* druraym ooohhn dryam oon *screeching gets louder* DRAYHM OOOHHN DRAYM OOON DURAWYM O

— Barbara (@fat_barb) February 4, 2014

the best part about browsing a deviant art gallery is seeing the artist literally not improve at all over many years and hundreds of images.

— Coenraad (@gewqk) February 4, 2014

HEY I'M IN LAS VEGAS, COME SEE ME AT THE INTERNATIONAL BUILDER SHOW TODAY, I WILL BE AT THE LUMBER LIQUIDATORS BOOTH.

— Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) February 5, 2014

anyone know if there are any jobs for models that require the models to be extremely ugly? my uh friend is wondering.

— volte (@vvvolte) February 5, 2014

siri why am i like this

— . (@rachel_linda_) February 5, 2014

About me: I was born in the woods. I've never been vaccinated. I cannot wait for the Winter Olympics

— Pal (@sickpal) February 6, 2014

I heard my first husband was at the Winter Olympics opening. I didn't see it, but they said something about a big flake that wouldn't work.

— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) February 8, 2014

Guy next to me at the airport is listening to the Tia Carrere version of "Ballroom Blitz." Asking airline rep if I can be upgraded to Him.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) February 8, 2014

this guy at the gym said it was "neck day" and all of the sudden 100s of women flocked to him and his muscled neck

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) February 8, 2014

The day you were born was the proudest moment of my life. 2nd proudest was when I refused to stop vaping at a hockey game & got arrested.

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) February 9, 2014

Filling my insulin needles with bud lite and emptying my shotgun into this fuckin tree in the Food Lion parking lot

— Man Yelling.wmv (@ApparatusMan) February 9, 2014

my gf left me a voicemail just to tell me she's pertinent or w/e and I'm like yeah I read The Economist too

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) February 9, 2014

INTERESTING FACT: It was actually Procter who lost it all on the horses, and Gamble who spent all his free time administering tests

— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) February 10, 2014

You can lead a horse to water polo but people will be all "whoa wtf get that horse out of here."

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) February 10, 2014

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)