The first batch of DLC for Infinity Ward's / Sledgehammer's / Raven Software's / Neversoft Entertainment's / Zynga's remarkably successful game Modern Warfare 3 was recently given a January 24th release date. Call of Duty Elite community manager Robert Bowling was kind enough to sit down with Something Awful and provide us with an exclusive look at all the new and exciting features of this amazing new DLC package.

New Maps!

One of Modern Warfare 3's greatest strengths is the ability of a player to shoot guns at other players who, for whatever reason, choose to block the path of bullets. MW3's DLC reinforces this with an absolutely huge batch of upcoming new maps:

  • Trash Dump Field - Fight against guys who speak different languages and wear slightly different clothing than you in an exciting, dynamic fenced-in junkyard. MW players absolutely love giant rooms full of squalor, trash, and junk, at least according to photos of their rooms.
  • Crummy City Hobo Alleyway - As the Modern Warfare series has proven time and time again, there's nothing more fun than shooting straight forward in a tiny, choke-point corridor! This eliminates the most worthless aspect of gameplay our fans have consistently complained about, "strategy." Our texture artists have added "real-world" looking graffiti to the walls, displaying actual inner-city phrases like "FART" and "SKOOL SUX."
  • Some Eastern European Farm - When we asked our users "what do you want to be when you grow up?", the second most popular answer was "farmer" (the most popular response was "INVISIBLE DEATH GUN ARMY MAN KILLER MAN"). Additionally, our mapmakers love fields because they can design entire levels of them while waiting for a single Hot Pocket to heat up. Fields offer tremendous creative flexibility previously unseen in modern video games, as crates can be removed and instead replaced by giant, indestructible straw bales.
  • Village of the Poor People - Take your love of class warfare to a new level while you experience what it feels like to commit ethnic genocide in an area of the world where chickens are perpetually trapped inside closed cages. This map is quite varied, with sections including "wooden shack," "wooden shack (rotated 45 degrees)," "wooden shack (slightly darker)," and "wooden shack (containing 500 chicken cages)."
  • Big Old Stupid Fucking Field - For those lamers who don't like tiny corridor shooting maps, here's one that you'll worship for years! All spawn points are strategically placed in the sights of enemy snipers, because we here at Infinity Ward believe in conservation of ammunition (Earth first).
  • Every Single "Fan Favorite" Map That You've Already Played In Every Single Previous MW Game - We asked our fans to rate their least favorite maps, and the overwhelming winner was "every single new one." "Creativity has absolutely no place in a Modern Warfare game," said user -=420daHitLaWeed666=-. "Besides, I'm plenty creative in telling faggots how they're gay on Xbox Live."
  • Construction Site Which May Also Be a Shipping Port - "We get cash kickbacks from moving companies for each crate we place in a map," said an Infinity Ward level designer. "And honestly, who doesn't love boxes? Somebody even made a movie about them."
  • Desert of Limited Color Palettes - Sand is everywhere. Rocks are everywhere. Cliffs are everywhere. We basically took Big Old Stupid Fucking Field and removed all plant assets. It's a statement about global warming or... something.
More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful