"looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) February 13, 2014
Im never not amazed by the power of Sport to captivate me, to capture and re-capture my imagination once again anew. #Sochi2014— swimp (@_swimp) February 13, 2014
How many comedy shows am I not going to tonight? Let's get on twitter and find out!— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) February 17, 2014
people tell me to quit dipping a lot but everyone loved it when i drank 30 beers that one day— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) February 18, 2014
hey now, you're an asshole. cut your dick off..don't…mate -how that smash mouth song shoulda went like— BINDY⍟JOHAL (@mrbillding) February 19, 2014
hmm i need to get a whole bunch of pdfs on my phone *opens applications, selects Booty Bass Bounce Selector App*— Nihilistic Texan (@DinkMagic) February 20, 2014
You took too long to reply to my text and now I am a cutter.— moody monday (@mdob11) February 21, 2014
My ex is marrying an unsmiling Russian with no Favstar to speak of— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) February 21, 2014
My family is away and so far for dinner I've had two carrots dipped directly into hummus tub, bourbon, and 7,000 peanuts— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 21, 2014
.@Springsteen Why do you get laid off from your job so much?— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 21, 2014
Had my sexual awakening when I was 12 and the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile crashed into that curtain store.— dan guterman (@danguterman) February 21, 2014
Im incredibly powerful ... and getting more powerful— Nihilistic Texan (@DinkMagic) February 22, 2014
i appear to have been prohibited from inviting any more people to like rob zombie's facebook page— Kill Tim Faust (@crulge) February 22, 2014
Hahaha a goddamn neurosurgeon just looked up while in the middle of a procedure when he heard someone say "sixty-nine" and was like, "nice"— A$AP dvmmy (@elzw) February 22, 2014
You know I can’t do Wednesdays, Jennifer. On Wednesday I record my minecraft trolling videos. Is divorce court open on Sunday?— nt (@genderentropy) February 22, 2014
geting crunk with all my small animal friends. we sippin... we smokin... we out here in the forest— Stupid Jokeobson (@JevenSteakobson) February 22, 2014
I like websites— Tom Crabtree (@itsCrab) February 22, 2014
Every picture of me looks like when you pause the TiVo in a bad place— .lia. (@SocialMediaLia) February 23, 2014
9:18 pm ready to take on the day— rachel linda (@rachel_linda_) February 23, 2014
YouTube won't let me unsubscribe from EatingLuciferDick— Sabrina Hernandez (@IllMakeYouLaugh) February 23, 2014
Good parenting is when your child tells you, reverently, that her pizza "unironically owns."— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) February 23, 2014
Dearly beloved. You guys we're here to honor the totes amaze life of someone who can't even right now. Please open your Instagrams to pg 2— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) February 23, 2014
my head is physically getting larger as i get older which youd think would be impossible— Nihilistic Texan (@DinkMagic) February 24, 2014
I have contacts that make my pupils look like green dollar signs ($) so that people at work think I'm always having a million dollar idea— Danezie Russo (@daneZie) February 25, 2014
this is the first sign that there may be a problem in keeping pretend dollars inside your computer— barnabus (@othersome) February 25, 2014
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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