It's an economic fact that games need to barf paid content and ads in your face until you basically don't want to play them at all. Then most of the underpaid developers need to be let go. You see, games are expensive to create. All that money has to come from somewhere, and it wouldn't be fair to reduce the outrageous salaries and bonuses of all the important executives who decide to cram every title full of monetization.
You've got to deal with reality. Do not turn your face away from this ever-strengthening jet of chunky bile. 2017 is the year in which we all suffer from the terrible selfishness of people in power and defiantly say to one another, "This doesn't seem right, I certainly hope someone does something at some point."
As an individual you are powerless. The very best you can do is understand the full extent to which the barf is splattering into your hair and pooling around your feet. To that end, let's take a look at how some recent games have decided to vomit on your face.
Unlock the Start Campaign menu option for only $4.99.
The default crosshair is an enormous block of text flashing "YOU ARE A GARBAGE IDIOT". Simply play the game for 100 hours to unlock a regular crosshair, or buy the Elite Sniper Pack for $29.99.
Every loading screen contains an ad for the $1,200 limited edition Star Wars video cards. One is a video card that says Jedi Order. One is a video card that says Galactic Empire. Choose a side and buy one! Can't choose a side? Buy both!
Shadow of War
A unique orc arrives. The action stops, the camera zooms in. Want to see its name? Hear its humorous introduction? Unlock these features by spending 50 Tolkien Tokens (earn 5 by beating the game once) or by purchasing the $14.99 Twitch Influencer Ultra Boost.
Arrows are now 5 cents per shot.
All in-game cinematics are just five-second teasers for the first trailer for Amazon's Lord of the Rings series.
Super Mario Odyssey
Mario has appendicitis! Purchase the Dr. Mario Loot Crate for $20 and you'll have a 25% chance to get a Legendary pill with a 10% chance to stop Mario from doubling over and groaning in pain.
Want to evolve the default character model (Baby Mario) into Mario? That'll be $9.99 please.
Every time you put Cappy back on your head, its sewn-on corporate logo changes to a different brand.
Call of Duty: WWII
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
Press F to close your fallen comrade's eyelids, which are tattooed with the words Papa and John's.
Star Wars Battlefront II
To unlock the final 6 points in this review score, EA simply needs to purchase my "Ultimate Gamer Upgrade Pack" for $149.99. 4/10
Super Mario Odyssey
Nintendo... hats off to ya! 9/10
In hindsight, the industry probably made a mistake when it collectively decided to ease up on the "Nazis=bad" trend ten years ago. 9/10
Need For Speed Payback
EA... you're spinning your wheels! 4/10
Assassin's Creed Origins
Ubisoft... you made a pretty good Assassin's Creed game with a leveling system! 7/10
Call of Duty: WWII
Band of Oh Brother, Saving Private Sighing, Normandy Blech, and other fine captions coming soon to a Mad Magazine cover near you. 5/10
It must be frustrating to see the path that Sonic Mania took after you've already flown past the turn and bounced off a plunger into a spike wall. 3/10
With eight movies fighting for Oscar gold, which one will win? I don't know! But you don't either.
Any forum poster worth their salt will gladly inform you (without being asked) that genre fiction is, in fact, garbage for children. You are not reading a real book unless it is difficult and mildly unpleasant. Test your READING MACHISMO with these truly challenging works.
Saving a village of khaki Rastafarians from the confetti geyser. AGAIN.
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