The moment I heard the news that shook my world to its core!
Hey folks! Please read this desperate plea to yourself in my raspy, cheerful voice!
You might have heard that the entirety of my diminutive form - the vessel through which my very existence is bodily defined - looks like a president's dingus! This would be an honor if we were talking about Lincoln or even Taft but we're not! So now my public image and career are in a freefall! WAAAOH!
I've seen lots of fans saying they will never look at me the same way again! Many have vowed to stop using me as their racer of choice in Mario Kart! Some are even switching to Dry Bones, as if that is a move away from phallic symbology! Dry Bones! Come on!
I'm being destroyed by a situation beyond my control! My wife has been very supportive but I can tell that this has shaken her to her core! We will never experience a moment of intimacy without the specter of today's events looming in our subconsciouses! Our entire relationship has been irrevocably altered for the worse!
While my life will never be fully mended I would like to minimize the lasting damage! I would appreciate it if everyone could remember that there are plenty of terrible things I don't look like at all!
For instance, I don't look like a vampire barfing up burgers and milkshakes on the counter of a Steak N Shake! If you took the visual of that entire scene and made a silhouette, then laid it side-by-side with a silhouette of my body, they would not be identical! Not even close!
And then there's the concept of animal neglect! Looks nothing like me! That doesn't even have a corporeal form due to it being a concept and all, but if it did have a form it would not be a parasol with a stubby little handle!
How about ! I don't resemble in any way whatsoever!
If you're feeling generous maybe you can also think about all the good things that DO look like my body!
I look exactly like a delicious waffle that was made with a waffle iron shaped like my body! Who doesn't love a good waffle! Yum!
If a great artist like Rodin or Michelangelo had made a sculpture of me it would look exactly like my body! And it would be worth millions of dollars!
So as you can see the issue is nuanced!
I'm going to withdraw from public life! I'd like to say that I'll be repairing my life but as I alluded to earlier something fundamental to my innocent outlook has been lost! I can't even say I'll be focusing on my family because I will be distant and withdrawn, willingly losing myself to the darkness and convincing myself I deserve the punishment! This will ultimately harm those around me the most!
Thanks for listening! While I'm here I might as well handle the reviews!
Valkyria Chronicles 4
This is very nice and none of the characters resemble the cursed reproductive organs of a terrible person - but if they did they would deserve to live in dignity! 10/10
Two Point Hospital
Great job, I hope no one's lives were ruined! 10/10
No weird dicks here! 10/10
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy! 10/10
Dragon Quest XI
Okay good! 10/10
Yakuza Kiwami 2
Way to go! 10/10
428: Shibuya Scramble
Very creative, nice work! 10/10
I'm proud of you all! 10/10
NBA Live 19
Shadow of the Tomb Raider
Sorry, but 2013's Tomb Raider was merely okay and there wasn't enough substance or mechanical creativity in that overrated reboot to propel a second - let alone third - game! 4/10
Good one! 10/10
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