It's been nearly two months since our last round of One Sentence Reviews, hasn't it? And since I finally picked up an SNES Classic, why not rate every game on the system while I'm at it? Don't you love it when three rhetorical questions come together?


Mothergunship
If you replaced "ship" with "horse", this would be Mike Pence's favorite video game. 6/10

Jurassic World Evolution
Hold on to your bog-standard, thematically sparse management sims! 5/10

Wreckfest
The broken body of my car smashes things real good and that makes me feel real good inside my actual broken body. 7/10

Octopath Traveler
The "octo" is in there because this game's mechanical busywork is stretched out 8x longer than necessary. 6/10

Mario Tennis Aces
It's odd that the first page of the manual depicts Wario shouting "FORE-skin!", as fore is a golf term. 7/10

Onrush
Includes a very unique take on rubber-banding, in which the entire Onrush studio is laid off by Codemasters just as they finish the game. 7/10

The Crew 2
Now I'm a boat, now I'm a plane, now I'm a car, now that I've quickly cycled through these modes a handful of times it's all downhill from here. 5/10

Earthfall
Left 4 Bread, as in white bread, as in bland, as in not great, as in a painfully lengthy explanation of a bad joke. 3/10

Unravel 2
That makes two Unravel games that never reach the emotional high of watching the nice lead designer enthusiastically describe his projects. 6/10

Contra III: The Alien Wars
I sure am tired of all these Alien Wars... wait, a spread gun, oh boy! 7/10

Donkey Kong Country
When I think of minecarts and bananas I think of this game, because I originally purchased it for eighteen bananas from the shopkeeper who rolled through our village in a minecart every month. 6/10

Earthbound
Remember, when you're prompted to pick your character's favorite thing, the only correct option is "gaming". 10/10

Final Fantasy VI
This is my favorite Final Fantasy because it's the one that's got Phoenix Down in it. 9/10

F-Zero
I just played three races before remembering there was a speed boost button, and Dr. Stewart gave zero "f"s. 8/10

Kirby Super Star
(> '-')> <(^ - ^)> <('-' <). 7/10

Kirby's Dream Course
Seems odd that Kirby's dream course is Maritime Vessel Design 101, but hey, whatever floats your boat. 7/10

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
In all sincerity, this is right up there with Fallout: New Vegas as my favorite game of all time. 10/10

Mega Man X
Mega Man protagonists should be squat, pudgy weirdos with enormous heads, not ponytail Gundams. 6/10

Secret of Mana
The secret is that it's blue and it runs out when you cast magic spells. 8/10

Star Fox
Funny how there are like three polygons in this entire game and they all look so dang stylish. 7/10

Star Fox 2
If you think the SNES Classic should have been $60, this weirdly ambitious curiosity is easily worth the extra $20. 7/10

Street Fighter II Turbo
A fantastic port of the arcade game, even if it is unfortunate that Nintendo changed all the grey matter to white matter. 8/10

Super Castlevania IV
You can waggle the dang whip! 7/10

Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts
What the heck is this horseshit? 2/10

Super Mario Kart
Lakitu's cinematic masterpiece. 8/10

Super Mario RPG
It's fascinating how so many signature Squaresoft touches appear in this game first, such as the enormous zipper on Mario's overalls. 7/10

Super Mario World
I remember seeing the leaves in the background of the first forest level and thinking games would never look better, and in some ways I was right. 10/10

Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
If you asked me to name ten thousand better dinosaur+baby+eggs games, I would be hard-pressed to do so. 7/10

Super Metroid
The opening of this game contains more mood and intensity than any moment from the last ten years of my life. 10/10

Super Punch-Out!!
It's not a real Punch-Out if it don't got a Soda Popinski. 6/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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