Howdy, folks! I'm Emily (shocker), and this here is the "Ask Emily" column where I try my darndest to slap some sense into all y'all via my very helpful and always completely correct (in all situations ever throughout the history of time) advice. As always, all of the letters that I print here are completely real and not at all made up in my brain. I make a lot of things up in my brain, but these letters are unfortunately real. Sometimes I wish that I could just say that it was all a cruel joke and that none of these poor saps actuallyh exist, but I am sorry to report that these people actually exist and that we share a planet and a species with them. The bright side to this is that they are obviously fucked up and maybe they'll die before we do, which is good.

Anyway, if you want me to answer any of your questions, you have to email me at [email protected]. If I know what the fuck you are talking about I will print your letter and try to help you out as best I can. If not, I will make some pathetic, half-hearted attempts at figuring it out but I'll probably ignore you in the end, so write something coherent, you fools. You can ask me about anything, though, so good luck and godspeed to your violent dooms.


Hey, it's letter time!

"Most triumphant, eh?"Well, lucky for both of us I am a recovering (those dark days are behind me now, thank fuck) hipster myself, so I can give you some inside info on why you are dumb and why you should look elsewhere (read: as far away from Hippesterlande as possible) for your affections. Maybe that sounded a bit harsh seeing as you are pretty infatuated with this dumb girl, but I can not stress enough the need to avoid people obsessed with wearing a particular style of clothing in order to broadcast a falsified and artificial self-image and personal taste in obnoxious music.For those of you who are not familiar with what "hipster" actually refers to, the easiest way for me to explain things will be for me to give you an example of typical hipster garb. I go the clothing route because truly, appearance is everything to these people, which makes even less sense when you consider their clothing standards and the fact that most of it is purchased at thrift stores. Common items of clothing in the hipster closet include:- Tight (very, very tight and usually black) pants for both males and females - Old flimsy T-shirts with innocuous logos or designs - A black leather belt with some type of silver studs on it - Clunky shoes of some sort, usually black - Large-framed, thick-rimmed glasses (ok, you wouldn't probably find these in the closet unless there's something weird afoot) - A bag-type item to carry things in that is obviously outdated, style-wise, such as an old bowling bag from the 70's or something equally gayThis beautiful combination of goods is topped off almost universally with dyed black hair, so you can spot these posers in a crowd from a mile away, unfortunately.If you are not sure what message wearing these things and only these things communicates to the general non-hipster public, I'll spell it out for you. It says something like: HELLO, NON-HIPSTER WORLD. I LISTEN TO HIPSTER MUSIC WHICH MAY INCLUDE SOME OBSCURE EMO (OR HARDCORE OR INDIE ROCK) BANDS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF. THIS FACT MEANS THAT I MAINTAIN A CONSTANT SENSE OF ELITISM AND I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO TELL YOU THAT I AM FULL OF EMOTIONS AND ALSO DEEP, ADDITIONALLY, AS WELL. HAVE YOU READ JOYCE'S "PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST?"These parodies of real people walk amongst us and generally maintain a sense of superiority to the mindless masses due to the unifying effect that their music occasionally has. They wear their tight pants like a flag that reads, "SHALL WE GET A YERBA MATTE LATTE TOGETHER?" Hipsters are horrible examples of what happens to people when they read too much e. e. cummings poetry without the intelligence or perception to truly grasp anything they are reading. Their only "attitude," as you put it, is a fake sense or aura of intelligence and empowerment derived from blending in like so many brainless sheep to what they see as a superior subculture. In truth, hipsters are no better or tolerable than any other person who attempts to affect a personality through a style, such as goths, ricers, or those weird people who live in Texas and wear cowboy hats all of the time. Actually, I would prefer the company of one of those cowboy guys to a hipster 10,000 to one, and that says a lot because those cowboy guys just suck.Getting around to your question, don't ask her out, dude. She will see you for your appearance because her appearance is her personality, and unless you are all hipster and shit she will most likely not be interested in you. She'll grow out of it, and perhaps when she does realize that she has been wasting a lot of valuable time and energy worrying about very superficial things she will be eligible for dating, but at this point I would stay away from her if at all possible. Find yourself a more mature girl who isn't obsessed with maintaining a contrived appearance for silly reasons.. Good luck in your search and be wary. The road out of hipster hell is paved with "The Locust" songs and long clips of Kirosawa films.

Oh boy, if ever there was a time for someone to heed my advice that was it.

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