Hey there folks, and welcome to another action-packed Ask Emily (wow, that's me) column in which I make a fool out of myself trying to help people sort out their dumb lives. I'm in no way technically qualified to give advice to people and yet I try my best to give honest answers to the poor shmucks who turn to me for help. Little do they know that I have my own problems and even though they might be sad specimens of human life, I'm just some girl who enjoys looking at broken-down silos and playing a shitload of Warcraft III. LOL I'm in ur base gettin' my d00dz killed!

If you would like to ask me a question (you can ask me anything about anything), feel free to send me some electronic mail at: [email protected], and I will do my best to answer you. If I can help you I'll put your letter in my lovely column, that being the column which you are currently reading at this very moment. This one.

I'll also throw in that crazy disclaimer that comes with all of these letters, that being that all of the letters printed here are actual questions sent to me by people like you. They are as real as anything can be in intrawebnette lande, and I have not altered them in any way. So there.

On to letters!!


Mr. Ruby,I am ashamed to see that you are a lazy good-for-nothing slob and are unable to find this information for yourself. What with the amazing advances in technology and the bountiful resources obviously available to you on the internet and elsewhere, it is inexcusable for you to need my help to answer this question. Your answer is at your very fingertips! If you are not lazy then you are most certainly stupid, so you should take your pick and rectify the situation to the best of your ability. If it turns out that you are lazy you can just stop being lazy, but if you're stupid you might have to resort to more desperate measures such as huffing gasoline until you are able to see through tomorrow.A simple visit to the ever-popular amazon.com would have showed you that the book of love's actual (technical) title is, "The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love" and that it was written by a Ms. Jill Connor Browne. Ms. Browne has also written other very valuable books for helpless, dull females, but this book particularly contains indispensable guidance for young women, such as "The True Magic Words Guaranteed to Get Any Man to Do Your Bidding," and "The Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times." It also contains many lovely recipes that you wenches out there (what are you doing reading this?! Get back in the kitchen!) can prepare dutifully in the hopes of gaining the favor of your husbands and avoid a beating for one more night. LAUGH OUT LOUD READING!If there are females out there in cybarrlande who are yearning to be brainwashed into blissful ignorance by this banal-sounding grrrly-book, I will warn you that the readers who have reviewed it via Amazon are pretty happy with it, so be prepared to leave your angst at page one and trade it in for a grrl-badge and tampon. The readers of Ms. Browne's work have banded together in a feminine clique held together by menstruation and ice cream, so be careful where you tread. But if it's helpful love advice you seek, "The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love" is sure to have all of the answers, all of the answers being, "Appoint yourself the queen of whatever, stock up on comfort food, and read this book." I CAN'T WAIT TO EAT THAT ICE CREAM, WATCH "BEACHES," PUT OFF SHAVING MY LEGS, AND READ THIS BOOK.

Best book ever written.

More Ask Snakey Slithers

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.