This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.


If a celebrity is seen by human eyes, our star-crazed readers REPORT IT FOR YOU!

Robert De Niro

Yesterday @ 9am

Veteran method actor De Niro was seen holding up an armored car with a gang of toughs. Doing research for a new role? He totally coldcocked the driver and left him bleeding all over. Four stars, Bobby! I smell Oscar already!

John C. Reilly

Yesterday @ 1pm

Hollywood fathead John C. Reilly approached me outside Jamba Juice and asked for a sip of my drink. I handed it to him, and he took a huge sip, then let a bunch of backwash slide back down through the straw. Seriously gross! I threw the drink out.

Madonna

Yesterday @ 5pm

Spotted the immortal diva Madonna boosting copper from an east side scrap yard. She looked like she was in great shape! Her arms were RIPPED.

Lindsay Lohan

Yesterday @ 9pm

The Hollywood lush was spotted climbing out of the wreckage of a burning car clutching a metallic skull.

Michael Jackson

Yesterday @ 10pm

Saw Michael Jackson with tons of bodyguards at a showing of Paul Blart Mall Cop. It took me a while to get a good look, but Jacko was there with an actual mummy. It wasn't alive or nothin, but it was a real mummy. Wonder where he got it? Blart was good.

Joe Biden

Yesterday @ 11pm

Joe Biden is sick!!! This dude showed up to our frat house out of nowhere and was totally awesome. He did a two minute kegstand! After about four hours of nonstop partying and hella drinking, the Secret Service carried him out. If I had voted, I would have voted for the shit out of this guy.

Criss Angel

Today @ 3am

Sad! Saw the Mindfreak himself hanging out at Denny's all alone. He seemed really depressed and barely poked at his Taking Back Sunday's Melty Grilled Chicken and Sausage Quesadilla.

Justin Timberlake

Today @ 9am

Justin was limping along a deserted stretch of Highway 58. He had some kind of broken-off manacle on his leg and looked really disheveled. I stopped for an autograph and he begged me for a ride, but I was already running late for yoga class. He was really pushy, and I didn't care for that. You have a lot to learn when it comes to interacting with fans, Mr. Timberlake.

Leo DiCaprio & Russell Crowe

Today @ 9am

Hot, hunky, the complete package. Wanted to nibble Leo up as he played with his RC car in the park, but then brooding baddie Russell Crowe had to show up and slap the controller out of his hand. I'm no fan of bullies, and I'm no fan of Russell Crowe. Hope that guy gets what's coming to him.

Jennifer Lopez

Today @ 11am

Saw J-Lo hustling tourists with games of chance. She had a lot of takers with the ol' guess which cup game, and was cleaning up real big. I tried to get an autograph with her, but she wanted me to pay up first. I didn't have any money so I didn't get one. Real bummer.

Jerry Seinfeld

Today @ 12pm

Jerry Seinfeld was trying on sneakers at the Footlocker. He kept fussing that the shoe strings were too long or too short, and was really pissing off the employees. After a whole lot more fussing Jerry just threw his hands in the air and yelled "I can't take this! I can't take this!" and stormed out.

Joaquin Phoenix

Today @ 2pm

Was in Central Park practicing his boomerang throw. It would never come back and he kept getting frustrated and yelling and looking at the manual. After a while he got on his cell and was screaming at someone. I think it was his agent.

Sean "Diddy" Combs

Today @ 11pm

Saw the rapper-cum-fashion mogul outside a posh NY club giving a serious dressing down to his personal magician. The poor archimage looked beside himself sobbing into a top hat like some buster. Diddy deserves better than that!

Jeff Goldblum

Today @ 11pm

Ran into Jeff Goldblum at the Viper Room. I asked him for an autograph and he was super charming. After a mere ten minutes of chatting he had sold me some land in Nebraska. I didn't want any, but he offered a good bargain. I bought 10 acres from the guy. Total confidence. Love him!

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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