This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
If a celebrity is seen by human eyes, our star-crazed readers REPORT IT FOR YOU!
Robert De NiroYesterday @ 9am
Veteran method actor De Niro was seen holding up an armored car with a gang of toughs. Doing research for a new role? He totally coldcocked the driver and left him bleeding all over. Four stars, Bobby! I smell Oscar already!
John C. ReillyYesterday @ 1pm
Hollywood fathead John C. Reilly approached me outside Jamba Juice and asked for a sip of my drink. I handed it to him, and he took a huge sip, then let a bunch of backwash slide back down through the straw. Seriously gross! I threw the drink out.
MadonnaYesterday @ 5pm
Spotted the immortal diva Madonna boosting copper from an east side scrap yard. She looked like she was in great shape! Her arms were RIPPED.
Lindsay LohanYesterday @ 9pm
The Hollywood lush was spotted climbing out of the wreckage of a burning car clutching a metallic skull.
Michael JacksonYesterday @ 10pm
Saw Michael Jackson with tons of bodyguards at a showing of Paul Blart Mall Cop. It took me a while to get a good look, but Jacko was there with an actual mummy. It wasn't alive or nothin, but it was a real mummy. Wonder where he got it? Blart was good.
Joe BidenYesterday @ 11pm
Joe Biden is sick!!! This dude showed up to our frat house out of nowhere and was totally awesome. He did a two minute kegstand! After about four hours of nonstop partying and hella drinking, the Secret Service carried him out. If I had voted, I would have voted for the shit out of this guy.
Criss AngelToday @ 3am
Sad! Saw the Mindfreak himself hanging out at Denny's all alone. He seemed really depressed and barely poked at his Taking Back Sunday's Melty Grilled Chicken and Sausage Quesadilla.
Justin TimberlakeToday @ 9am
Justin was limping along a deserted stretch of Highway 58. He had some kind of broken-off manacle on his leg and looked really disheveled. I stopped for an autograph and he begged me for a ride, but I was already running late for yoga class. He was really pushy, and I didn't care for that. You have a lot to learn when it comes to interacting with fans, Mr. Timberlake.
Leo DiCaprio & Russell CroweToday @ 9am
Hot, hunky, the complete package. Wanted to nibble Leo up as he played with his RC car in the park, but then brooding baddie Russell Crowe had to show up and slap the controller out of his hand. I'm no fan of bullies, and I'm no fan of Russell Crowe. Hope that guy gets what's coming to him.
Jennifer LopezToday @ 11am
Saw J-Lo hustling tourists with games of chance. She had a lot of takers with the ol' guess which cup game, and was cleaning up real big. I tried to get an autograph with her, but she wanted me to pay up first. I didn't have any money so I didn't get one. Real bummer.
Jerry SeinfeldToday @ 12pm
Jerry Seinfeld was trying on sneakers at the Footlocker. He kept fussing that the shoe strings were too long or too short, and was really pissing off the employees. After a whole lot more fussing Jerry just threw his hands in the air and yelled "I can't take this! I can't take this!" and stormed out.
Joaquin PhoenixToday @ 2pm
Was in Central Park practicing his boomerang throw. It would never come back and he kept getting frustrated and yelling and looking at the manual. After a while he got on his cell and was screaming at someone. I think it was his agent.
Sean "Diddy" CombsToday @ 11pm
Saw the rapper-cum-fashion mogul outside a posh NY club giving a serious dressing down to his personal magician. The poor archimage looked beside himself sobbing into a top hat like some buster. Diddy deserves better than that!
Jeff GoldblumToday @ 11pm
Ran into Jeff Goldblum at the Viper Room. I asked him for an autograph and he was super charming. After a mere ten minutes of chatting he had sold me some land in Nebraska. I didn't want any, but he offered a good bargain. I bought 10 acres from the guy. Total confidence. Love him!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
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