For the initial Corporate Correspondent Caper update, BMW and AXE (LYNX in the UK) are up to bat.
Email to BMW
Sent: 25 October 2005 16:05
To: [email protected]
Subject: My New Car
Dear BMW, I come to you in not just my hour of need, but also the hour of need of my local town, Fareham. Fareham is a mid size town that recently has been taken over with crime. police were unable (or possibly unwilling?) to stop the crimes that happened here and so the city started to fall into a dark slump. From out of the ashes of Fareham's wasted youth came a hero, one man who would stand for justice, who would not stop until the wrongs of the world had been set right, and who wanted to get some pretty hot women. That man's name was "Awesomeness Man", that man is me.
"Your a friggin Super Hero Dan, why would you need our help?" you may be asking, well the problem is this. I don't have a car at the moment, and I don't know if you've ever tried saving a town using nothing but public transport, but let me tell you, it's slow (some times not even arriving), boring, vulnerable and not really "striking fear into the heart of evil". To this end I ask you, BMW, to "hook a brother up" here and sort me out a nice car.
Now this may seem a small task to you (it's just one car right), however I must put a burden on you to add some things to the car (unfortunately I can't currently provide them myself due to cash flow issues), these will be imperative to both my safety and setting the right image (one of fear into the heart of my enemies), thus please let me know if you can do me the following:
*A big boot to keep my super gear in
*A LARGE net that can be shot at villains deployable surface to surface/air missiles
*Deployable caltrops/ nails
*Reclinable (leather?) seats
*Electric, bulletproof, missile proof, windows
*A grappling hook
*Machine gun mountings on the side
*12 months insurance
*12 months road tax
*Puncture proof tyres
OK now I don't care about the model type but the car could really do with being jet black with a metallic paint job and possibly some sort of logo on the side for me.
Well let me know what you can work out on this and once I get a mysterious yet rich benefactor I can sort you guys out nicely.
Thanks for now,
Dan / Awesomeness Man
Email From BMW
Dear Awesomeness Man,
Thank you for your email dated October 25, 2005 with regards to your fight against the spread of evil.
We can confirm that BMW now offer a range of crime busting vehicles which can be purchased on finance agreements that even a Super Hero with modest resources and benefactors would be able to afford. We would suggest that it would be worthwhile to discuss this in greater detail with a Sales Vigilante at your local Approved BMW Dealership. From our records we believe this to be Snows of Portsmouth who are available via telephone number: XXX-XXX-XXXX
In respect of the requirements you refer to for your BMW we are pleased to be able to confirm that our cars are now predominantly supplied with run-flat tyres fitted to them, which whilst not being puncture proof, are able to be driven on in the event of a puncture until safety can be reached. We also offer a range of high security options and vehicles to help ensure that your missions can be successfully completed, further information on this is available through our dedicated website (www.bmw-ids.com). You may be interested to learn that one of our Touring models has enough boot space for an entire gang of captured villains to be transported about in and alloy wheels, cup holders and leather seats are commonly available across the BMW range.
We hope that this information has been of some assistance to you and that you are successful in your continuing fight against crime.
Customer Service Executive
Email Back To BMW
Sent: 28 October 2005 10:22
To: [email protected]
Subject: FAO Steven Woolhouse Re: My New Car
Steven, by Zeus's beard that is a most generous offer and I thank you for it. Though I may be a hero to the people of Fareham it is on this, one of my darkest days that I realise YOU, BMW, are in fact heroes to me.
I will indeed look at contacting Snows of Portsmouth however I ask you make them aware of my needs first, as this is a confidential matter and I would like them to convey this in their demeanour.
I have given this some thought, and whilst perched atop a tall building last night over looking the town looking absolutely heroic I decided that not only can you help me by supplying me with a vehicle of heroic proportions, you can also help me in another way. Have you ever considered Another career choice by night Steven? No not one of THOSE night jobs.. I mean have you ever considered being a sidekick.
Sidekicks to heroes have their own insurance program, union and also special dentist programs. Aside from the obvious merits of saving peoples lives you get the option of living with your chosen hero (sadly at the moment I only really have the garden shed free... but it will be renamed "THE SHED OF FREEDOM!!" while you stay there and we can put my Flinstones sleeping bag out for you). With this you get up to 3 months sick pay as well in case of injuries etc.
Steven I must also warn you as I have become aware of one of my nemesis's/nemesi(?) contacting you about a car. Do not deal with this man as he is not a nice person and not worthy of driving one of your masterpiece vehicles. I am also advised he has a bad credit history and said bad things about BMW once.
I anxiously await your response to this offer, though understand it may take a few days to leave behind your job, family and previous life to dedicate yourself to fighting the evils of villainy where ever it may raise its evil, slightly oddly shaped head.
P.S. Please let me know what sidekick name you'd like so I can look at getting stickers and badges done.
Final Email From BMW
From: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, October 28, 2005 12:10 PM
Subject: FW: My New Car
Dear Awesomeness Man,
Thank you for your latest email dated October 28, 2005 with regards to the awesome-mobile.
Whilst I would like to thank you for your kind offer I unfortunately must decline as, on top of finding lycra suits sweaty and itchy, I do not have the kind of physique that suits lycra and would therefore would not be striking fear into the heart of anyone other than possibly a weight watchers coordinator.
I can however reassure you that we will not be supplying any vehicles to anyone masterminding an international crime syndicate.
Customer Service Executive
BMW UK Ltd
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.