AstralWare, submitted by Zutroy. After spending almost ten seconds watching a Time-Life commercial for the "Mysteries of the Unknown" book set back when I was about 12 years old I consider myself an expert on past lives and reincarnation. The basic concept is that when you die you turn into a ghost like in "Pac Man" and everything else on earth is like Pac Man after he just ate a power pellet, but you can't run away from all of these Pac Mans like the ghosts could, you just sort of drift around and eventually one of the Pac Mans is going to eat you. When the inevitable finally happens and you are eaten the Pac Man lays an egg and when it hatches you are reincarnated in Idaho as the illegitimate child of a professional racist and a bed-ridden mother named "Indigo-Himmler". Unfortunately, you won't remember anything that happened to you before you passed through the drooping aperture of your mother's vagina, and luckily you probably won't remember that either. Except for maybe an occasional distorted sense of dejavu when you see a Pac Man cabinet or a rotten soft taco in a dumpster.
At last there is a tool to help us all remember our past lives. Thanks to a divine combination of the Internet, some mind-altering drugs, Dell's policy of shipping free microphones with multimedia computers, and the state of California's unemployment insurance system you can download "AstralWare Past Life Regression Software"!
This potent audio ebook software will place you in a deep, deep state of meditation and begin probing the recesses of your mind to bring to light your past life memories. The narrator will carefully guide you through this powerful spiritual exercise and lead you from one past life event to the next past life event. You'll uncover memories of where you once lived. You'll remember your loved ones long since forgotten. You'll find out how you lived and what you looked like.
I downloaded the software but it immediately asked for 15 bucks to be spent on a registration code. I happened to have fifteen dollars but I also happened to have certain needs that involved buying a subscription to a hardcore S&M web site. So while I didn't actually unlock the secrets of my past lives I did ejaculate all over a leather belt while I watched what I think was a woman being spanked on a choppy webcam. Which is pretty much like unlocking the secrets of my past life, right?
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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