Ulli's Roy Orbison In Clingfilm Website, submitted by Molly. Finding and writing about the Awful Links week after week, I've seen some strange stuff. Furry balloon fetishists, people who believe that Hans Blix is a lizard from beyond the stars, and - God forbid - that freaky woman with a website devoted to pictures and poetry of her two twin miscarriages, to name a few. Man, that last one still makes me shudder. And yet, after all of that, this site is still the absolute creepiest thing I've ever seen. It's not particularly sexual. It doesn't propose any crazy conspiracy theories. It doesn't include pornographic pictures of people pretending to be amputees. In fact, it doesn't have a single picture whatsoever. All that this site is is a collection of stories by Ulrich Haarbürste about wrapping Roy Orbison head to toe in saran wrap.
Two criminals burst in waving shotguns.
'This is a robbery!' they yell. 'You two are hostages.'
'Make them tie each other up,' says the lead robber.
'Ach! I have forgotten the rope,' says his cohort.
'I happen to have a roll of cling-film with me,' I offer diffidently. 'Perhaps that would serve?'
'It will have to. Wrap that man in black in cling-film at once or it will go badly with you.'
'Very well.' Trembling, I take out the cling-film. 'I am sorry Roy, it looks like I have no choice.'
'Do what you have to.'
I start at the feet and work my way up. I wrap him as tenderly as a mother swaddling an infant. I marvel at the play of light on the miraculous translucence. Soon, Roy Orbison is entirely wrapped in cling-film. I thank God that I was born to live this minute.
'He is completely wrapped up in cling-film,' I report.
I think I speak for all of us when I say, guh? I mean, what the hell? Society is dictated by a huge number of unwritten rules. Call me crazy, but I've always thought that one of the better ones was "Don't fucking wrap Roy Orbison in plastic." I am relieved to say that there are only three stories on this site, but each one is crazier than the last. The first one involves wrapping Roy Orbison in cling-film on a bet. The second involves wrapping Roy Orbison's dead body in cling-film to prevent decay. The third, as we've already seen, is about wrapping Roy Orbison in cling-film to make life easier for some robbers. If you're not feeling incredibly squeamish at this point, then try this on for size:
'Roy has succumbed to a heart attack and is clinically dead,' he explains, indicating a certain well-known man in black sprawled on the floor of the vehicle.
'So,' I say.
'Are you perchance a doctor?'
'No. I studied at a catering college for some years but was forced to leave for reasons I prefer not to disclose.'
'Ach! Then I am at a loss what to do.'
'There is one thing we might try,' I say with elaborate nonchalance. 'If we were to wrap him in cling-film, this would prevent corruption setting in until we can get him to a hospital.'
You know, I say with elaborate nonchalance, this site is completely insane.
The ocean is full of the stuff of nightmares and, no thanks to all that water, you can't even kill it with fire.
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
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