Girl Authority, submitted by jordle. An overcrowded "rock band" consisting of nine young teenage girls carefully modeled after moronic archetypes perform inane covers of already inane songs. It will make you feel even dirtier than when that Kidz Bop commercial appears on TV while you're trying to masturbate to Kim Possible.
Country Girl Crystal is the down-to-earth member of the group, while Boho Girl Jess is Girl Authority's free-spirited sprite. Party Girl Kate is fun-loving and energetic, while Rock-n-Roll Girl Tarr is spunky and feisty. Urban Girl Gina is sassy and independent; Fashion Girl Alex is crazy about clothes; and Preppy Girl Zoe is a cute schoolgirl and the "little sis" of the group. Rounding out Girl Authority are All-Star Girl Jacqueline, the sweet- natured, encouraging team player of the group; and Glamour Girl Carly, elegant and refined.
Refreshingly unscripted, never pre-packaged, Girl Authority is a group for real girls everywhere.
Unscripted? These girls play out like an in-engine cinematic from some forgotten Barbie first-person shooter. They even cover several of the same songs that Kidz Bop cover. They probably have a rivalry with Kidz Bop akin to the East Coast/West Coast schism that nearly ripped the rap world wide open.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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