Feline Creative Intelligence and, submitted by Rob. Don't get me wrong, I like cats and all, but NEVER EVER in my life have I looked at a cat purring away happily and shouted aloud in my best caps lock voice "GEE CAT I THINK YOU ARE SWELL… BUT IF ONLY I COULD DANCE WITH YOU! THAT WOULD MAKE YOU BETTER PET AND MY LIFE WOULD BE THE BETTER FOR IT!!" Yet, there are people out there who think this very thought every single day of their lives. People even give cat-dancing classes (check out the video!), so you can probably major in this at your local community college. Who actually pays for this crap? Probably the same people who think the plotlines on "All My Children" are mind-bogglingly clever. Some choice quotes from the site:
The question to ask is not "Will my cat dance with me?" but rather "Will I dance with my cat?"
Actually, the question to ask is "Are you of any possible use to the human race?" While other people invent cures for stuff and keep stupid people like you from dying, you spend most of your time trying to force your cat to dance for you like Old English street urchin. What kind of sadist are you? If your cat WANTED to dance, it would sure as hell freaking dance on its own. This isn't the Confederacy; a cat is not a slave. Now if people are trying to teach their cat to lap dance, it's a different story. 'Cause to a drunk guy, pussy is pussy (I apologize to all you readers above age 14 for that).
"I used a very simple technique to get my cat dancing with me. I'd lie with it on my tummy and begin stroking it slowly while playing one of the long slow tracks on the "Dancing with Cats² album by David Parsons. Minky would purr loudly and sink her claws into my thick woolen jersey. I'd purr in time with her and then, with her still attached to my jersey I'd slowly roll onto my side and stand up halfway and lean forward so that she sort of hung by her front paws from my jersey with her back feet just touching the ground. Then, without supporting her at all, I'd sway from side to side to the music and she would just swing along until her claws couldn't take any more. Now when I put the music on she'll come running over, put her front paws up on me and sway in time with the music. It's fantastically soothing."
I don't know what disturbs me more: the fact that this lady purrs along with her cat, or that she wrote this helpful little tip with all the style, detail, and suspense of a bra-ripping romance novel. After dancing, do you sweep the cat into your strong, loving arms and retire to the boudoir for a steamy night of catnip-fueled passion? These people are SICK! I can't believe crazy middle-aged women waste all this time on teaching their cat the macarena when they could be out seducing shy but eager-to-learn teenagers.
Remember that dancing with your cat is all about an energy exchange. You're going to be giving your energy as well as receiving it from the cat so you'll need to relax and unblock the pathways. You'll need patience and a willingness to let your awareness unfold."
What's this? I can trade energy with my cat... like baseball cards? I don't believe that. I'm trying this out on a stray cat now, but it doesn't seem to be working because the cat is sleeping. Furthermore, anyone stupid enough to try thisssssss..shidsssssssss……. zZzzzzzzZzzzz zzzzzzz
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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