Big Bill's Star Trek Stuff, submitted by R-Lo. Rich, in his never ending battle to make me commit suicide, turned up this gem of a web site. I hate Star Trek fans. Yeah, not exactly setting a trend for bold statements, but these bastards continually piss me off. I don't particularly hate the show, I used to watch the original and Next Generation when I was a kid, but I never found myself in a conversation about how they make transporter pads wheelchair accessible.

Q; How does Jameson get his wheelchair down from the transporter pad?

A; My theory is that his wheelchair was lifted off the transporter pad by a couple of hefty young Ensigns. Easy, innit? Mind you, it does make me wonder why he wasn't beamed onto a level surface in the first place.

I don't even know who the living fuck this guy is talking about. With a little contextual detective work I managed to come up with some facts. His name is Jameson, he is confined to a wheelchair and he spends a lot of time using the transporter. I have a question for you "Big Bill". If they have the power to travel faster than light why the hell can't they get this bitch out of his wheelchair? Couldn't they saw his legs off and put him onto android legs or maybe make him hover on a disc or something, Jesus Christ. As usual, the disabled takin' one for the team. Suuuure pour some more research money into your goofy little chirping tit radios, leave me in my fucking wheelchair with legs that look like pipe-cleaners. I'll just make my Prime Directive kicking your sorry asses once I have my hydraulic stompin' legs.

The lesson here is that when dealing with loopy sci-fi like Star Trek lazy really is better. I always watched it assuming that any plot holes could be easily filled in by robots. Handicapable transporter? Robots. Holodeck? Robots. The Robots? Robots. It makes watching this crap a whole lot more fun.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.