As seen in the pages of Entrepeneur magazine (under the "Wacky Idea" icon!), Spirit Hoods are fake-fur headdresses that will only be worn by two sorts of people: Ironic jerks who embrace anything that makes them seem willfully ridiculous, and idiot hippies who actually pay attention to the listed animal attributes ("red fox, $129, adaptability, diplomacy, wisdom.") Already established with the former group, after people realized that an ersatz skinned wolf is way stupider-looking than any cheesy wolf T-shirt, Spirit Hoods is currently courting the latter demographic, which explains why its latest blog entry is "streaming live from Burning Man." When that event ends, Spirit Hoods can step up its campaign by using Daryl "Fucking" Hall's infomercial script -- for a fee, subject to vibes.
INT. QUAINT SUBURBAN RANCHER HOME
Incense burns in front of a small stone Buddha. We follow the smoke as it wafts through a dreamcatcher before settling on a woman in a flannel shirt, who is contentedly reading Eat, Pray, Love.
You're a woman of the world, well-informed and interested in other cultures.
The East just has so much to tea--
But incense just isn't portable! And what good is all that spirituality if no one asks you about your beliefs anymore?
I just think that we can find out so much about ourselves if we just take a cue from the Nava--
Well good news! Now you can bring others along on your tour of other cultures! With or without their consent! Introducing SPIRIT HOODS!
CUE FOX-HEAD-LOOKING HEADWRAP ON BRIGHT BACKGROUND
That's right, Spirit Hoods are the safe, fun way to show everyone what you're all about. Now you don't have to wonder if anyone understands that the tattoo on your calf means "balance."
RET. TO INT. HOME
Woman is wearing the cap, grinning widely.
It's not real fur, but it damn well looks it! Now, like theIndiansNative Americans, you can reap the benefits of the Earth, but without all the mess of killing, skinning, or endangering the Earth and all of its beauty!
SCREEN FLASHES BRIEFLY ON A PLASTICS PLANT, SMOKE POURING FROM THE TOWERING SMOKE STACKS, CHURNING OUT FAUX-FOX HATS
So call now, and get in on the latest trend - Spirit Hoods! Come visit our tent at Burning Man and get 15 percent off your second Spirit Hood, subject to availability and vibes.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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