Submitted by Jim R.
Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un, heir to revolutionary Juche idea and earnest defender of the worker's struggle, looked out from his own, personal balcony in Pyongyang; a smile momentarily crossed his lips as his thoughts drifted to the ardent revolutionary spirit of Korean people. Overhead, 10,000 doves soar across skyline, as if to sing praises of Respected Comrade for his astute guidance of the revolution. North Korean people have all necessity (sic) of life, and have struggled in harmonious rapture to advance Juche idea of Eternal President Kim Il-sung for many year (sic). Respected Comrade has personally gone over agriculture reports and notes surplus in all sectors. He also wisely notes that this is first crop in 20 year (sic) that is not solely consist of mud and rock.
Respected Comrade is move to tear(s) by People's resolve to "work [that] body".Solemnly, benevolently, he calls his own, personal assistant to discuss bold new Juche idea. Respected Comrade knows that to proud Korean people, even agricultural surplus is bringing nothing but shame as every Korean wishes to doing (sic) nothing but [their] best for worker's paradise of Glorious Democratic People's Republic.
"Korean people are never satisty (sic)", Respected Comrade says with his own, personal mouth. "Now that they have harvest first food in 20 year (sic), they will no doubt feel shame as if [they] have grown fat and lazy", he wisely, kindly judges. Respected Comrade calls for pen and papers and within 3 second (including 2 second pause to reflect on determined heart of Korean people) he has drawn up plans for world's most advance (sic) exercise platform. At sight of schematics, Respected Comrade's assistant begin(s) to openly weep; Respected Comarde kindly comforts him with his own, personal hand.
"Platform call(ed) FuckRider. People can now apply Juche spirit to weights (sic) loss and also make practice for producing baby (sic) for Glorious Democratic Republic to oppose evil American Imperialism [with]. Primary component are bicycle seat from unused bikes (Respected Comrade knows that Korean people own 6.5 bike per capita but are too much love (sic) their homeland to ever remove both feet from soil) and scrap from rotting infrastructure. To use, simply sitting (sic) on FuckRider and make Fuck Motion until weight loss is achieve (sic)".
FuckRider only officially competing product is inferior capitalist lounge chair sell (sic) by famous Imperialist Aggressor Chucked Norris.Respected Comrade offers to demonstrate. Assembling a perfectly working model in under 15 second(s), he sits his own, personal [posterior] on FuckRider and begins to make Fuck Motion. "If Fuck Motion is apply (sic) 3 times daily" Respected Comrade says as he makes Fuck Motion, "benefits are sure to be achieve (sic) immediately". Respected Comrade dismounts FuckRider and his own, personal assistant immediately notes that Respected Comrade has develop (sic) additional 20 lb muscle mass and has add (sic) 5 inches to already impressive height [of] 7'9". He says nothing, however, knowing that Respected Comrade's physical prowess is only matched by his benevolent modesty and stoic commitment to Juche idea.
Respected Comrade makes it known to his assistant that his own, personal wish is for every Korean to have 3.7 FuckRider per capita in one week(s) time. Sagely, secretly, he knows that it only will only take 4 day(s) to fill quota but will let Korean people think they have surpassed [allotted] time to bolster their spirits after great shame agricultural surplus has brought to them. The smile returns to his own, personal lips.
That about does it for another week of AwfulVision! Thanks to everyone who submitted stupid videos yet again; also, fuck you's to everyone who submitted stupid videos again. I am rotting on the inside and it is all your fault. If you'd like to join in on the fun, submit a video here or post it on our Facebook wall!
See you jerks next time!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!