Hey everyone. Seth "Occupy Japan" Bailey again. Well, baaaaasically, we start things off this week by revisiting something from last week. If you'll recall, on our debuting IT CAME FROM FACEBOOK! feature, someone had submitted a video of a loveable lunkhead in a baseball cap clumsily eating a birthday cake and candles. That loveable lunkhead was Christopher Schewe aka shoenice22.
I ended the last article with a bit of a rhetorical question: when did Youtube become full of idiots eating weird shit? Well, loyal readers, at the time of writing that, I hadn't fully submerged myself into the mad, mad, mad, mad world of shoenice22 and having now done so, let me assure you that shoenice isn't AN idiot on Youtube that eats weird shit, he's THE idiot on Youtube that eats weird shit.
We'll start things off nice 'n slow. By which I mean start things off with Shoenice murdering his liver in cold blood rather than his entire body.
...of course, that was just to lube up his throat for this...
...which was just meant to render his liver unconscious for this:
"LESS LIVER FAILURE! MORE GASTROINTESTINAL DISTRESS!", you say? No problem!
And the money shot:
Of course, Shoenice doesn't just limit his culinary self-flagellation to "food or food-like items". Oh no, no, no! He also eats all sorts of other shit. What I'm saying here is that if Shoenice were a Pokemon, he'd be a "Pica" Chew! HA HA HA! PUNS! TWO OF THEM, SORT OF!
This video kind of confuses me. Anyone that can chug The Source hot sauce without their asshole exploding is definitely not a pussy, and yet here he is stuffing himself with tampons.
Haha, that Shoenice! What WON'T he e... wait a minute here...
Th... that can't be healthy, can it? I... OH MY GOD WHAT
SHOENICE NO PLEASE DON'T THIS ISN'T OHMYFUCKINGCHRIST PUT THAT DOWN!!! YOU ARE NOT KITTY DUKAKIS! PLEASE DON'T SHOENI
Bonus video and confession: The last three videos were initially going to be rubbing alcohol and then two that he deleted (after I linked them on our forum and mentioned intending to use them this week... hmmm...): engine oil and Formula 409 bathroom cleaner. Lo and behold, I found the engine oil as part of a compilation video someone else made. It's at the 3:23 mark.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!