WAR NEWS THE END

We live in dangerous times; threats and acts of terror, rising fuel costs, global warming and major News agencies that don't have the balls to tackle the tough issues. There is however one man, nay, one morbidly obese child with both the literal and metaphorical guts to go after the hard hitting stories: timwow3, Investigative Reporter, reporting live deepin his parents basementbehind enemy lines, armed with nothing more than his wits, courage, atoy gungun, and apiece of woodsword.

"Welcome.... this is.... war news... the end" he pants, as an ear-shatteringly loud explosion, that he ripped from Battlefield 2, goes off. Unlike most journalists, timwow3 doesn't hide behind non-combatant status when the firefight starts; that would be un-British, or un-Australian or un-Badaccentlandian or wherever the hell he's supposed to be from.Fair and Balanced.

With a triumphant cry of "Die... you.. ghght....brggt!", timwow3 fires histoy gungun into the enemy ranks. "It's a big war, I'm sorry" he stammers. Apparently timwow3 has "been in a cave *thwack*... hiding" because they killed his farm. He promptly excuses himself to go kill a bear. timwow3 clearly didn't just fall off the turnip truck: he knows that bears hate exploding thumbs, so naturally, he bites his off and throws it at them, resulting in a sound clip from the atomic bombing of Hiroshima.

Now, call me stupid, but I know a bear fight when I hear one. This is not a bear fight. The bears are clearly having their way with young timwow3 as he tries to fight them off with his
toy gungun. Miraculously, timwow3 escapes, but somehow injures his arm. I don't even want to know how.Bear attacks are no laughing matter. Remember: Always look out for bears.

The end is near, though, it seems. The pretend explosions are growing louder, and farm-pillaging bears are over running timwow3's position; he knows there's only one thing to do: scream "they took some butts... damn you bagel bags!", grab his
piece of woodsword, proceed to run off camera and, judging by the sound effects that follow, masturbate in front of them. A brave, noble move to be sure. Twice, brave timwow3 is thrown back into hisbasementcave by the bears (briefly being possessed by a demon), and each time, he rises again. "HERE'S THE SHOCKER" he heaves while grabbing his gun and hurling himself once more into the fray.

Sadly, this is the most exercise timwow3 has had since fighting his way out of his mother's vagina during birth, and his young, chubby, plaque-filled heart just can't take it; he succumbs to a massive heart attack while pretend gunfire continues to echo all around him. Your sacrifice will be forever remembered, timwow3, as mankind continues to throw of the yoke of farm-destroying-bear oppression.

Critic's Corner™

"You are a stupid faggot and get the hell of the internet. "
-mckickflip

"so what? its not important if a guy is fat or thin or ugly or beautiful. just the character ist the importest thing of each people"
-TobiranHorde

"fake"
-Chubachus

More AwfulVision

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.