It's your lucky day, reader. I've got such a special treat for everyone. I'm bringing a triple dose of bee-related mayhem this week, with a selection of some of the finest insect-inspired material ever to come from the Something Awful forum goons. Our first port of call is an educational look at how to deal with a swarm of bees taking over your teritory. Read on, I promise there's no sting to this tale!
Late last year, forum goon Flannel Blob was visiting family in Florida. The trip was to take a turn for the worse, as he discovered to his horror that a swam of bees had congregated on the swingset of his sister's children. There was only one way to deal with the problem. I'll now pass you over to Flannel Blob to let him tell a story you will never forget.
We told the landlady about it and she didn't seem to care or want to be bothered that she was renting a house to people that had fucking BEEES living inside it. The neighbor called a bee removal company and they said they wouldn't come out unless we paid a hefty fee, but he did recommend waiting until dark and go buy some stuff from Home Depot and squirt them with it and that should kill them off.
Well that plan was OK except for 2 things. One was that my sister's husband is crazy. The 2nd thing is we didn't want to wait that long nor spend any money. So we did the next best thing. Started fucking with the bees.
My bro in law chucks a tennis ball at the clump of bees, that was the size of a basketball. He knocked off a fist sized clump of bees, which eventually just flew back up into the main clump.
That was pretty boring, so we decide to try something a little bigger....
Yeah, a 40lb trailer hitch for a Dodge Caravan.
The bees dust themselves off, and resume taking over the swingset. Every single one pretty much flew back up into a ball of bee death.
At this point it was clear these little assholes weren't getting the message. Their arrival in my sister's property was an act of agression, and we weren't going to stand for it. So it was time for some redneck engineering:
Bee incinerator contraption:
- 30 feet of rope
- 1 large fire pit
- 1 science project board
- miscellaneous rags and a bedsheet
When I try to clear the ball, run into me at a thousand miles per hour, sending me flying halfway across the map. If the ball is coming down in front of the opposing goal and I'm in position to tap it in, run into me at a thousand miles per hour. Never stop slamming into me at a thousand miles per hour, unless you can slam into me even faster.
eSports are getting more attention, but these new non-nerd spectators have no idea what's going happening. Help them understand how and why you've decided to waste your life with these simple approaches.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.