I saw a single, opened, and apparently used condom tossed on top of the condom section.
A 300-350 lb woman wearing a red tube top and matching tiny red hot pants. She became known to my friends and myself as the "Red Whale." There were numerous sightings.
1. She tucked her gut into what proportionally were still technically "hot pants."
2. Her ass hung out below her hot pants legs like a curtain, it was truly terrifying.
3. She was covered in bruises and sores due to her own massive girth.
After working on the graveyard shift for going on eleven years at Walmart, nothing bothers me any more.
Probably the grossest thing I saw was the guy who fingerpainted the entire men's restroom in, shall we say, all natural earth tones. I didn't think anyone could have that much shit in their body, let alone have the patience to get all the walls, and as much of the ceiling as was reachable.
Or the guy jerking off in the little girl's clothes, or the 6'6" uber hairy transvestite who had screaming fit because he wasn't allowed in the women's restroom, or any of a hundred other odd stories.
I work at a Wal-Mart. IN MISSOURI.
Oh God, the horrors. I'll give three highlights:
1. I once had to help a guy find a new universal remote. He said he spilled a beer on his old one and it quit working. To show this, he brought in his old remote in his pocket. The remote was soaked and dripping vomit. The guy himself smelled like gin and gym socks, but the remote....ARGH. He also had a beard down almost to his waist, and in the middle of telling me what he needed his remote to do, he said "Whoops, hold on....and step back." and then HORGHed about a liter of gin and beef jerky into his beard. As I and another worker watched in horror, he just nonchalantly lifted his beard and said "See, this keeps my shirt from needing to be washed!" and smiled.
2. There was a fantastically obese woman in a mart cart. As she drove by me I heard whimpering, and thought the motor was about to give out. Then I happened to glance down. She had a kid riding on the mart cart with her, between her feet and trapped under her gut. The poor kid looked terrified and kind of feral, but he seemed to know he could never hope to squeeze around either massive ankle to get to freedom. I shudder to think how it smelled down there.
3. I was almost run down by a woman in a mart cart. I was talking to another customer about stuff, and she came around the corner holding a few cream-filled donuts in one hand, and licking the fingers of the other. She was steering the cart with her massive stomach. Around a corner. So she couldn't suck her gut in enough to stop the cart, she just looked at me and said "UUUuuuhuuuurrrrgh." and continued to slurp on her fingers. I had to literally jump up on a shelf to avoid being run down.
I had a friend who worked at Walmart and he always had awesome stories.
One time he went into the bathroom to see a father holding his young son up off the ground so the son could pee into the trash can.
He used to go out into the parking lot to wrangle up loose carts, and he said he saw one uber-white trash guy with a huge mullet and a Nascar number (3, I think) on his arm driving up and down the parking lot aisle for hours on end hitting on 13-15 year old girls. He kept asking them if they wanted " rides".
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.