Work Friend Keven

(Jason punches a mans head off and the head lands in a trash bin, which then slams shut) (I walk from the shadows behind the bin doing a slow clap) real nice Jase... but if you're done warming up I'm going to kick your ass.

Work Friend Keven

Freddy Kruger? This is a nightmare then... I fear nothing more than wasting my skills on pathetic, weak opponents. *sighs* very well...

In Training

[saunters up to the pedestal with the gold statue on it and easily replaces it with a similarly weight bag of dirt without even hesitating]

Work Friend Keven

(My first punch to the terminator blows his entire face off, revealing its metal skull) ah... for the first time in 10 years I can fight without holding back.. don't break too easily!

Lumpy the Cook

[suddenly, independently recognizes the Matrix is an illusion and flies into the sky] Wow, you guys really thought this could trick me? The human eye naturally sees at 30 frames a second and anything more than that looks artificial.

Work Friend Keven

IRon Man: When this is all over, I'm going to take you guys out for shawarma

Me: I actually have reservations for the Momofuku Ko today so... yeah... no.

Jenny Agutter

Tyler Durden: ...Never been in a fight. You?

Me: Yes. Dozens.

Tyler Durden: oh

Charles Bukowski

Tyler Durden: "I want you to hit me as hard as you can."

Me: "No.. No you don't my friend."

Work Friend Keven

Alien: Look at my shit! Look at my shit! This is... my.. this is my dark tanning oil, lay out by the Pool

Me: That's actually not a big deal to me. I could also have tanning oil exactly like that if I wanted it, which I don't.

The Lobotomy Kid

[I shake my head ruefully as The Cloverfield Monster struggles to untangle itself from a set of powerlines. The guy with the camera tries to start filming, but I smack it out of his hand.]

Me: the quality of your footage would be worse than nothing. I have a much nicer camera that I use in my spare time, but I left it at home.

Work Friend Keven

Blake: as you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

Me: excuse me... I actually work in the IT department and as a result make a very decent salary with no need for the pressure of sales, and actually I have technical knowledge which far exceeds yours. If I wanted something as childish as a Cadillac, I could easily afford one. But I'm mostly into drones these days.

Blake: My mistake sir. Could you please direct me to the sales floor?

Lumpy the Cook

*simply walks into Mordor*

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

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