Work Friend Keven
(Jason punches a mans head off and the head lands in a trash bin, which then slams shut) (I walk from the shadows behind the bin doing a slow clap) real nice Jase... but if you're done warming up I'm going to kick your ass.
Work Friend Keven
Freddy Kruger? This is a nightmare then... I fear nothing more than wasting my skills on pathetic, weak opponents. *sighs* very well...
In Training
[saunters up to the pedestal with the gold statue on it and easily replaces it with a similarly weight bag of dirt without even hesitating]
Work Friend Keven
(My first punch to the terminator blows his entire face off, revealing its metal skull) ah... for the first time in 10 years I can fight without holding back.. don't break too easily!
Lumpy the Cook
[suddenly, independently recognizes the Matrix is an illusion and flies into the sky] Wow, you guys really thought this could trick me? The human eye naturally sees at 30 frames a second and anything more than that looks artificial.
Work Friend Keven
IRon Man: When this is all over, I'm going to take you guys out for shawarma
Me: I actually have reservations for the Momofuku Ko today so... yeah... no.
Jenny Agutter
Tyler Durden: ...Never been in a fight. You?
Me: Yes. Dozens.
Tyler Durden: oh
Charles Bukowski
Tyler Durden: "I want you to hit me as hard as you can."
Me: "No.. No you don't my friend."
Work Friend Keven
Alien: Look at my shit! Look at my shit! This is... my.. this is my dark tanning oil, lay out by the Pool
Me: That's actually not a big deal to me. I could also have tanning oil exactly like that if I wanted it, which I don't.
The Lobotomy Kid
[I shake my head ruefully as The Cloverfield Monster struggles to untangle itself from a set of powerlines. The guy with the camera tries to start filming, but I smack it out of his hand.]
Me: the quality of your footage would be worse than nothing. I have a much nicer camera that I use in my spare time, but I left it at home.
Work Friend Keven
Blake: as you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.
Me: excuse me... I actually work in the IT department and as a result make a very decent salary with no need for the pressure of sales, and actually I have technical knowledge which far exceeds yours. If I wanted something as childish as a Cadillac, I could easily afford one. But I'm mostly into drones these days.
Blake: My mistake sir. Could you please direct me to the sales floor?
Lumpy the Cook
*simply walks into Mordor*
–
This Week on Something Awful...
This Dumbass Terminator in My Gun Store Thinks It's "Assault Rifle 15"
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
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Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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About This Column
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.
Previous Articles
- Neighbours Forced To Interact With Each Other!
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