White guy shouts back "You're late. Its been like an hour." (We're not late.)
Weasel yells back "You ordered this at 10:20, its still 10:45."
Fatguy: "No, I ordered at 9:45." The fat guy has a big smile on his face. But Viet isn't the kind of guy that likes gettting fucked with.
"Whatever dude, you want the food or not bro?"
Fatguy: "Its late. I want to talk to your manager."
Mind you, this is still taking place with us on the third floor, and this guy on the otherside of the complex, we're yelling at each other across the building. There are other college kids just staring at us. I'm getting a little self-conscious.
Weasel just walks over to the other side where the fat guy is still watching, this time holding a phone in his hand, I follow Weasel. By the time we make it to the otherside Fat boy is waiting for us in his door way. We can see there are like 8 other guys in that tiny ass apartment.
Fat boy says, "You're late. I've called your manager. We get the food for free." This of course is total bullshit, our manager/owner is a friggin dick, he wouldn't give free food to his own dying mother.
Weasel gets this crazy look in his eyes and I know he's about to do something stupid so I jumped in front of him.
"You talked to our manager? Who'd you talk to?"
"I dont know, some lady, she said we get it for free." (Snickers from fat guys friends.)
"We dont have a 30minutes or less policy."
"I just talked to your manager. I think thats what she said. Is it even what I ordered? Let me see that." Without another word one of the fat buys friends comes up to us and grabs the food, opening it as if he's examining it. "This shit smells nasty. What the fuck is this?" (Its beef w/brocoli and orange chicken you jackass.) Then all the guys crowd around making stupid remarks, next thing you know the food is out of our sight.
Weasel: "That's 12 bucks."
Fatguy: "I told you, we get the food for free. Go talk to your manager."
(I'd like to remind people that this was back in the days, and most people didn't carry cell phones. We had pagers back then. So talking to the manager would entail driving back to work, or finding a pay phone which is out of the question.)
Weasel: "Ok fine. Give the food back."
Fatguy: "We're already eating it. You still want it back?"
Weasel: "You can't eat the food without paying for it."
Fatguy: "Ok, how about I give you $5 now, you talk to your manager. When she confirms its free, you come back and give me my money back."
Weasel: "I can't do that. Give me the food back."
Fatguy: "We're already eating it. Here's the $5. Now I want that back later."
Weasel: "It $12. Now give us the food back."
Fatguy: "Man you are rude, what is your name? I'm going to complain to your manager. Here's the $5. Now goodbye."
At this point the Fatguy closes the door and we hear huge laughter from behind it. Weasel is pretty pissed. He mumbles something and starts banging on the door. Of course the pricks ignore us.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I'm not even sure what just happened. Weasel on the other hand, is a true veteran delivery boy. He walks calmly over to the car. I thought that we're giving up and going to talk to the manager. Haha, what an idiot am I?
Weasel reaches into the backseats where there are a few empty take out boxes. He grabs a couple, and he ducks behind the car. Next thing I know he pulls down his pants and shits right into the fucking box. It was disgusting. The first time I've seen another man take a shit, but then again Weasel was pretty crazy. Weasel by now is laughing like a friggin lunatic, all giddy like he got laid for the first time. He wipes his ass with some grass and dumps the grass on top of the shit, covering it up pretty good. He's beside himself with giddy and keeps repeating "I'm gonna get those fuckers bro, you watch. This is going to be great. Some real funny shit."
He pulls out one of the remaining packages for delivery. Picks out some pungent noodle thingy. I think it might have been shrimp or something, it had a strong smell. Weasel just dumped about a third of the food onto the shit/grass combo, filling it up to the brim. He then packaged it all up just like another delivery, chopstick and all. I didn't know what he was doing. I thought perhaps he might throw it into their room or something. I was hoping it wasn't "something."
Weasel calmly walked back to the apartment. Now with most apartments, there are managers on the premise. This one was no exception. Most buildings, the managers stayed in room 101. Weasel walked straight to the manager's room and knocked.
Weasel: "Hi, I'm from room#(Fatguy'sRoom). They ordered Chinese food, but they say they didn't order it. But they paid for it. And told me to give it to you. Says its for making too much noise earlier."
Manager: "Ok thanks."
Now I didn't know that he'd fall for it, but apparently Weasel had done this before and was pretty convincing.
As soon as the manager took it and closed the door, Weasel and I ran like hell.
I don't know what happened after that.
I don't know if the manager actually ate the food.
I don't know what he did to the fatboy's apartment full of those jackasses.
All i know is that I had to deliver food to that apartment complex not very long after that and there was a vacancy sign out front and fatboy's room was vacant. They were 1 month into the new semester.
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.