The next day we show up to work and we're all anxious to hear about what happened. But Weasel showed up late. So we never had a chance to talk about it. We just kinda refer to it like "how'd it go last night?" "did everything come out ok?" etc.
Dinner time rolls around again. Owners are eating by themselves, its just us grunts in the back this time, eating on the counters.
We couldn't help ourselves, Dan burts out: "I bet had some mad diarrhea last night huh?"
Weasel: "How'd you know?"
(We all start laughing.)
Weasel: "Dude, did you guys fucking fuck with me? I thought my stomach hurt last night cuz of the food. You fuck with my food bro.?"
Weasel is looking all pissed, and the madder he gets the higher the pitch of his voice.
Dan: "I hope it didn't come out at the wrong time bro!"
Weasel: "Fuck you dude! I was in the middle of it and I had to take a shit! Thats messed up bro!"
Dan: "Serves you right man. You gotta keep a low profile. You've been getting on people's nerves lately with Janet."
Weasel: "I'm gonna get you for this."
Dan: "Oh yeah? How?"
Weasel: "Dude, well for one, the bowl you're eating from is probably the bowl I put over my ass when I ran to the bathroom."
Silence fell over the crowd as each of us realized that Janet and Weasel did not go to Janet's place to have sex. They had sex right in the fucking store after everyone had left. As I pictured Weasel, his pale naked ass running from the storage room to the bathroom with a bowl over his bare ass and his hand cupping his package I lost all my desire to live.
We all put down our food in disgust and left. Weasel glowing in his own crapulence.
Damn you Weasel. Next time do it at home.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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