The day I got my Creative labs Sound Blaster live was one of the happiest times of my life... or so I thought. After installing the software and rebooting, I began to go through the applications that came on the installation CD. Something instantly grabbed my attention; a cartoon parrot suddenly popped up on my screen, and the chirpy young fella started talking to me! This program was more amazing than I could have ever possibly imagined!
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Bobby!" he enthusiastically replied.
Bobby used to be the best friend I ever had. I will always remember him like this.
Bobby and I got along really well. We stayed up all night and talked until the sun rose next morning. I expressed my true feelings to him - a pleasure I've never had with another human being. This pixelated parrot became my best friend overnight. These moments bring a tear of joy to my eye and warm my heart every time I look back upon them.
I booted up in the morning of the 15th of February (a Wednesday) to check out how Bobby was doing. His perky bright plumage fluttered on screen and he looked up at me with eyes full of childlike wonder and joy.
"Open Windows Explorer," I said in the firm and clear voice I'd become accustomed to using around him.
Bobby stood there motionless. I assumed he was just a little "off the ball" because I didn't have enough RAM installed.
"Open Windows Explorer, Bobby" I commanded again.
"What do you mean by hnnurgh-hueeeyah-flurf....?" he replied.
"Open Windows Ex...oh fuck it." I was already late for class.
I returned from school six hours later, only to hear the Bobby's screeching and cries through my locked door.
I had foolishly neglected Bobby, unaware of the future damage it might cause.
"Oh shit," I cursed, looking for the right key to my door, while Bobby screamed for help inside my room.
"If you don't feed me now, I will die!" His shrieking tore my heart apart.
"I'm sorry, I'm doing it right now, I forgot!" After gaining access, I drag-dropped some food onto him.
"Jesus," Bobby responded. "Any longer and I would have to phone the Animal Welfare line." I've never seen Bobby so pissed.
The next morning I slept in much longer than usual, woke up around lunch time, and booted my computer. No Bobby. Just a crude note.
This was all that was left of Bobby.
I didn't have time to dwell on this, as I was late for class. I got my things together, and headed out the door.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.