I cannot:

Therefore I would make a bad:
read correctly.

trouser chili:I can not: Spread my anus apart to what point one could fit a football inside sideways.Therefore I would make a bad: Novelty website.


I cannot:
Read the first post in the thread properly.




Lord BEEF:

I can't:
stand idly by while the president is kidnapped

Therefore I would be a bad:
enough dude to rescue the president


I can not:
Eat 24 marbles in two minutes

Therefore I would make a bad:
Hungry Hungry Hippo

Precious Roy:

I cannot:
congeal most of my supercooled mass into the same Bosonic state, leaving myself with one superatom.

Therefore, I would make a bad:
Bose-Einstein Condensate

cheapshot:I cannot: Stitch together Nike shoes.Therefore I would make a bad: 4-year-old Indonesian boy.


I can't can not:
Make my correct sentences grammarly.

There I would bad make a:
Talking to person.


I Cannot:
Speak German

Therefore I would make a bad


I cannot:
program games

therefore I'd make:


I cannot:
stop being so fucking cool

therefore I would make a bad:

Well, there you have it for this week's Goldmine. Thank you, come again, and watch your ass on the way out.

– Emily "Integral" Reigel

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.