May a small flying insect buzz next to your ear each time you think it has left you alone for good this time
They Might Be
May you always pull the door handle the moment that someone else tries to unlock it.
may your youtube video play for five seconds at a time and buffer for ten seconds at a time
Dads Dip Cup
may all your boxes of cereal contain one less # of servings than indicated on the back of the box
May you have to scribble to make your pen write because it's always nearly out of ink
May the cooks always put too much mayo or sour cream on your food, but not quite enough that you would feel justified complaining about it.
you can't peel an orange without someone else starting it for you
May you always end up with a little bit of hard to fish out egg shell when you crack an egg into a bowl
may you put your fitted sheets on the bed the wrong way the first time every time you make your bed
may the potentially worthwhile youtube instructional/tutorial video you start watching be prefaced with two or three minutes of the presenter rambling about things that have no possible relevance or interest to anyone else, such as, "I originally came up with the idea for this video last Tuesday . . . or was it Wednesday? I'm pretty sure it was Tuesday because I go grocery shopping on Tuesdays and I think I had this idea right before going shopping, or maybe right after. but, now that I think about it, I went grocery shopping last Wednesday too, because I was nearly out of milk, and there's nothing worse then really wanting cereal and not having any milk on hand, haha! anyway it was Tuesday or Wednesday, it doesn't really matter which. so the idea I had . . . you know what, it was definitely Tuesday. doesn't matter. but I'm sure it was Tuesday, haha! pretty sure anyway. wow I'm rambling."
as a bonus, may the presenter also not have scripted/practiced the tutorial and occasionally have to stop and wonder out loud what s/he did next.
SHY NUDIST GRRL
May your YouTube recommendations always infer the worst about you
May the sun always be in a position that when your drive you cant block it with the sun visor
may you start going bald, but not so much that it's cool and just enough that you're racked with indecision every time you consider a haircut
May you randomly become afflicted with that thing that makes cilantro taste really bad, but only after you've had a few good bites of your burrito.
City of Glompton
may you never find the config file you need to modify to enjoy your game the way you want
May you always hit a yellow light with just enough time that you think you can't make it but realise you could have and your girlfriend gets pissed off
may your rice krispies always snap and pop, but never crackle
For the rest of your natural life whenever you enter a restaurant you shall instead enter a Denny's. You may not leave voluntarily until you finish your meal and pay. Afterward you re emerge in front of the restaurant which you entered originally.
May your sea monkeys survive long enough for you to start seriously wondering whether you should get a better aquarium for them and, heck, maybe even a nice betta or some other freshwater fish, just a pretty little starter aquarium, which would really liven up the living room which you should probably redo anyway, you know, spruce this dump up a little and maybe take control of your life in general, start exercising, make some new social connections, and just as you're about to head to the pet supply store the sea monkeys die.
"enjoy your meal!"
instantly, my stomach twists into a knot. I focus all my concentration on any appropriate phrase: "Have a nice day." "Thanks." "My Compliments to the chef." my throat is gurgling. there is an inky sickness in it that is bubbling over and consuming me from the inside. it can't be contained. as my lips pry themselves open, I pray that I merely scream or vomit, and regret ever cutting in line ahead of that witch at the Burger King.
tears drip down my face, off my chin, and into my Kids' Meal nuggets
And the Lord said unto the Canaanites, "You wear socks with sandals and hence your wickedness is an affront to me, the Lord. From this day forth you shall always find one black sock and one blue one, but never a pair of either."
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
We were able to recently sit down and interview the men's rights icon, Jordan Peterson, in this exclusive interview.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.