vanisher

May a small flying insect buzz next to your ear each time you think it has left you alone for good this time

They Might Be

May you always pull the door handle the moment that someone else tries to unlock it.

FutonForensic

may your youtube video play for five seconds at a time and buffer for ten seconds at a time

Dads Dip Cup

may all your boxes of cereal contain one less # of servings than indicated on the back of the box

bradzilla

May you have to scribble to make your pen write because it's always nearly out of ink

google THIS

May the cooks always put too much mayo or sour cream on your food, but not quite enough that you would feel justified complaining about it.

Jedrick

you can't peel an orange without someone else starting it for you

Splatmaster

May you always end up with a little bit of hard to fish out egg shell when you crack an egg into a bowl

joke_explainer

may you put your fitted sheets on the bed the wrong way the first time every time you make your bed

Manifisto

may the potentially worthwhile youtube instructional/tutorial video you start watching be prefaced with two or three minutes of the presenter rambling about things that have no possible relevance or interest to anyone else, such as, "I originally came up with the idea for this video last Tuesday . . . or was it Wednesday? I'm pretty sure it was Tuesday because I go grocery shopping on Tuesdays and I think I had this idea right before going shopping, or maybe right after. but, now that I think about it, I went grocery shopping last Wednesday too, because I was nearly out of milk, and there's nothing worse then really wanting cereal and not having any milk on hand, haha! anyway it was Tuesday or Wednesday, it doesn't really matter which. so the idea I had . . . you know what, it was definitely Tuesday. doesn't matter. but I'm sure it was Tuesday, haha! pretty sure anyway. wow I'm rambling."

as a bonus, may the presenter also not have scripted/practiced the tutorial and occasionally have to stop and wonder out loud what s/he did next.

SHY NUDIST GRRL

May your YouTube recommendations always infer the worst about you

Father

May the sun always be in a position that when your drive you cant block it with the sun visor

darth_pizza

may you start going bald, but not so much that it's cool and just enough that you're racked with indecision every time you consider a haircut

LawfulWaffle

May you randomly become afflicted with that thing that makes cilantro taste really bad, but only after you've had a few good bites of your burrito.

City of Glompton

may you never find the config file you need to modify to enjoy your game the way you want

HotSoapyBeard

May you always hit a yellow light with just enough time that you think you can't make it but realise you could have and your girlfriend gets pissed off

Captain Splashback

may your rice krispies always snap and pop, but never crackle

Vynar

For the rest of your natural life whenever you enter a restaurant you shall instead enter a Denny's. You may not leave voluntarily until you finish your meal and pay. Afterward you re emerge in front of the restaurant which you entered originally.

google THIS

May your sea monkeys survive long enough for you to start seriously wondering whether you should get a better aquarium for them and, heck, maybe even a nice betta or some other freshwater fish, just a pretty little starter aquarium, which would really liven up the living room which you should probably redo anyway, you know, spruce this dump up a little and maybe take control of your life in general, start exercising, make some new social connections, and just as you're about to head to the pet supply store the sea monkeys die.

FutonForensic

"enjoy your meal!"

instantly, my stomach twists into a knot. I focus all my concentration on any appropriate phrase: "Have a nice day." "Thanks." "My Compliments to the chef." my throat is gurgling. there is an inky sickness in it that is bubbling over and consuming me from the inside. it can't be contained. as my lips pry themselves open, I pray that I merely scream or vomit, and regret ever cutting in line ahead of that witch at the Burger King.

"you too"

tears drip down my face, off my chin, and into my Kids' Meal nuggets

MrMenshevik

And the Lord said unto the Canaanites, "You wear socks with sandals and hence your wickedness is an affront to me, the Lord. From this day forth you shall always find one black sock and one blue one, but never a pair of either."


– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.