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Tractor Trouble: Art by Children

Monday, December 23, 2002 Update by Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons

Tractor Trouble: Art by Children, submitted by ;) Mr. Turtle. I love kids, they are fantastically curious and fun to interact with, but kids need to get one thing straight; there are already too many artists. Do you get on an elevator that's got fifty people on it? Not unless you want some real major-league trouble! That's what the art, and the newsprint comic industry particularly, are like these days. Still, I would feel bad if I squashed the hopes of a young artist who just might be the next Charles Schultz. I found this site thanks to a little whisper from Mr. Turtle and in the interest of expanding the horizons of these young children I thought I could offer up some advice.

Andrew, Age 5

Andrew, I really like what you did with your picture of fried eggs here, although I wonder if you might not be influenced a little too much by MTV. Oh, wait, that's supposed to be a tractor? You're terrible kid! You are the worst artist I have ever seen and let me tell you I have seen the work of a lot of half-wits, hacks, and Koreans. Forget it, you will never make a career as an artist.

Logan, Age 6

Logan, are you trying to draw some sort of centipede murder machine here or is that a tractor? I can't tell! Your use of perspective is terrible, your coloring is passable at best and atrocious at worst, and there is absolutely no sense of motion in your art even though it's supposedly a working tractor. I would give you tips on how to improve but you have about as much chance of becoming an artist as rancid butter. Get this crud out of my sight!

Madeline, Age Unknown

Frankly I'm digusted. This picture contains more pornographic imagery than the an entire year's worth of Playboy, not to mention it endorses degenerate lifestyles. I can't look at any more of these.

Kids, you're no good at all at drawing things, but you may just be able to squeeze by as a sculptor. Whatever you do, never, ever attempt to become comic artists for the funny pages. You will live your life broke, unloved, and generally humiliated by decades full of failures. Hey, thanks for reading the words of Dr. Draw kiddos! See you soon!

- Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons