Overview: In a futuristic city where robots wear clothes and people apparently don't, one robot goes haywire and starts killing women in increasingly lazy ways.
Directed By: Clive Cohen, 2005
The Case For: Robots are cool...
The Case Against: ...Usually.
Hold onto your hats for the next twenty years, folks, because if writer/director/producer Clive Cohen is right, the world is going to go through some zany changes! The biggest change will come from the field of robotics, as we will see the technology advance rapidly, bringing us from today's crazy Japanese "Eggs on Legs" gizmos to a world of intelligent machines with fully developed personalities. In Clive Cohen's vision of the world of 2027, robots will be fully integrated into society; holding down jobs, attending church, wearing clothes, and speaking in irritating catchphrases. In fact, robots will run things so efficiently that people won't need to leave their homes at all. Us fleshy bi-lobes will be able to spend our days lounging around our houses topless, enjoying the decadent lifestyles afforded in beautiful Exterminator City.
Scenic Exterminator City, the City of Tomorrow, boasts a population of a scant twenty-seven million. I'm not sure if that's just the number of humans, or if that includes the robots who seem to be the only ones to ever go anywhere or do anything, but it hardly matters. The important thing is that here, robots and humans live side by side in perfect harmony. Well, okay, given the amount of silicone jutting off the chest of every human in this movie, it might be more accurate to say robots and cyborgs, but that's really just splitting hairs. This futuristic utopia, which is evidently blanketed in perpetual night, has more porn stars than it has people to actually watch the porn. Seriously, the cast of this movie reads like the world's filthiest superhero team: Mistress Persephone, Jacklyn Lick, Syn DeVil, Lilith Stabs, and Fembomb are just a few of the headlining cock jockeys who have taken up residence in Exterminator City.
Killbot - debonair man about town.In fact, the movie opens with one of them (it doesn't matter which - it's not like porn stars are actually people) in the shower, fake breasts akimbo, blissfully unaware that danger lurks just outside her bathroom door. Slowly, ever so slowly, the door's handle begins to turn. Of course, the door is locked, so it doesn't turn all that far. Nonetheless, the mysterious individual on the other side does not give up. Only the cold, Asperger's-like obsessiveness of a robot could lead someone to jiggle a handle so many times, under the assumption that one of those times, it won't be locked anymore. Diabolical, is it not?
At last, the handle stops jiggling, lulling the viewer into a false sense of security. But wait! The whole door now begins to jiggle, much like the breasts of the woman in the shower might if they weren't made out of silly putty. At last, the door jiggles open& somehow, and the robotic killer enters. This metal monstrosity, who appears to have the robot equivalent of a pope hat protruding from his forehead, will later exhibit feats of strength that might make one wonder, why didn't he just break the door down? Those are just the sort of questions that will get your ass in trouble in Exterminator City, my friend. In any event, Killbot (I don't know the names of any of the characters in this movie, so I calls 'em like I sees 'em) stabs the shower girl to death, provoking the kind of convincing screaming that you would expect from an actress who is not accustomed to having to emote without a dick inside her.
Bruce Campbell ain't got nothin' on Chinbot.Killbot's crime does not go unpunished. Within moments, he is arrested by another robot, one whose prodigious robo-chin could only mean that he is the protagonist of this little picture. Detective Chinbot, as I've come to call him, carts the evil Killbot off to robo-jail. Now, the prospect of one robot beating up and arresting another, more evil robot might sound like some pretty exciting stuff to you. This is because you have not seen this movie and are dumb. Unfortunately, although the robots in the year 2027 are advanced enough to have complex social interactions, religious affiliations, and stupid accents, they have not advanced beyond a Disney World animatronics level of mobility. Picture two of the "It's a Small World After All" droids feebly pivoting their torsos in a vain attempt to push their fists into one another, and you have a good idea of the robot action in Exterminator City: mildly amusing at first, but quickly tiresome and somewhat insulting.
While doing his time in robo-jail, Killbot is attacked by some sort of crazy demon bug puppet. Yes sir, this movie has robots, porn stars, and demons. Suck on that, Forrest Gump! However, this demon turns out to be a hallucination brought on by Killbot's inability to reconcile his murderous actions with his fanatical uber-Christianity. At some point, Killbot is given the electric chair. Naturally, since he is a robot, this does not kill him. It may actually be some kind of rehabilitative therapy. I don't know. I'm not a robot psychiatrist, and anyone who told you otherwise is a jerk. In any case, Killbot escapes from robo-jail with the help of a robo-accomplice, whom he then robo-kills. Mere moments after tying up all the loose ends of his escape, Killbot is struck by lightning. Again, this has no harmful effect whatsoever. He is a robot. They eat electricity. Or something.
Note how wide she can open her mouth. Almost seems like she's had practice, huh?Finally free after three solid minutes behind bars, Killbot goes back to his old ways. When next we see him, he is taking a chainsaw to another topless porn star, who is conveniently tied up. Clive Cohen displays the genius of his directorial style, here. The murder scene is made up of two different shots flickered back and forth in succession: one of the victim screaming while we hear the sickening sound of a chainsaw eating through flesh, and another of Killbot chainsawing his way into the upper torso of his helpless prey. What is interesting here is that although we can clearly see Killbot saw the arms, and finally the head off of his victim, in the shots of the victim herself, her upper body is entirely visible, and Killbot is nowhere in sight. Clive Cohen seems to be suggesting that Killbot is such a good chainsawer that he can actually lop your arms and head clean off by chainsawing through your stomach. He can also poke you in the eye by stepping on your foot. Talented guy, that Killbot. He must be running on Windows Vista, which, by 2027, will probably be bug-free. Ba-zing!
Chinbot and Robodoc, the most dynamic crimefighting duo since Holmes and Watson. Unfortunately, that's John Holmes and Taylor Watson.By the time Detective Chinbot gets to the crime scene with his trusty associate, Robodoc - the prison doctor who was in charge of Killbot's rehabilitation unti he escaped - the murderer is long gone. While Detective Chinbot is too late to catch the culprit, he's just in time to say something comically appropriate about the crime. Noticing the crucifix shoved into the victim's neck stump, only one word comes to mind: "Jesus!" It's that sort of quick wit that helped Detective Chinbot work his way up from School Crossing Guard Chinbot, and it is that same wit which makes this eighty minute movie drag on for a year and a half.
Killbot's next victim may be topless like the last two, but don't let that fool you into thinking this is getting repetitive - she also gives us a thoroughly unappreciated crotch shot! While she's urinating! You know what they say - you can take the impending robot murder victim out of the porno, but you can't take the porno out of the impending robot murder victim. A quick look around this woman's apartment clues us in that she's a bit better off than the last two. Her door can't even be jiggled open! Nope, this time Killbot has to enlist the help of a robotic cockroach to break in. Yes, there are robot cockroaches. I guess by 2027, we've killed off all the real cockroaches. This is Exterminator City, after all.
Wow. That's, uh... that's some pillow.Anyway, once he's inside, Killbot quickly finds the nearest object he can use to kill his unsuspecting victim, who never hears him approach, despite the fact that he makes incredibly loud whirring sounds every time he moves. His options are pretty much limited to an Oscar statuette and a pillow shaped like a penis. Sadly, I am not making this up. At least he chooses the statuette. If he tried to beat her to death with the penis pillow, this movie would be a lot longer. Well, unless the victim's porno instincts kicked in and she tried to swallow it and choked to death. Anyway, Killbot bludgeons her with her own Oscar, and then kills her robot dog for good measure. Let this be a lesson for the future: don't count on robotic pets for home defense. They're vulnerable to Oscars, and they'll pee on your penis pillow.
When Detective Chinbot and Robodoc perform an autopsy on this latest victim, they find that she has not only been beaten to death, but Killbot evidently cut her open and stuck nails in all of her organs. It's a disturbing image, made all the more disturbing by the sheer lack of effort he then puts into his next murder. He simply rings the doorbell, and when the woman comes to answer it (topless, of course), he just stabs her through the door. Just to reiterate, for the last woman, he used a robot cockroach to break into her apartment, stole her Oscar, used it to bludgeon her to death, then cut her open and made arts & crafts projects out of her innards. This time, he doesn't even bother going inside. If that's the sort of shoddy workmanship we can expect from robot serial killers in the future, then I'm just going to have to do all my killing myself.
Killbot kills again, and still Detective Chinbot and Robodoc are no closer to tracking him down. This time, he finds a topless woman in bed and just stands there while she screams for a while. He gives her plenty of time to make a run for it, call the police, or write out her will, but she just sits there screaming. Finally, she decides to take action against this intruder. There are two objects within reach that she can throw: a pillow, and a lamp. Sadly, she does not have Killbot's superior robo-logic, and chooses the pillow. Amazingly enough, the fluffy pillow fails to stop the metal robot, and she gets stabbed in the face. Perhaps she would have had better luck chucking one of her bowling ball-like breasts at him.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
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