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Modest Apparel Christian Clothing Seamstress Sewing Custom Patte

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 Update by Josh "Livestock" Boruff

Modest Apparel Christian Clothing Seamstress Sewing Custom Patte, submitted by Stan. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the single greatest URL ever: "http://www.modestapparelchristianclothinglydiaofpurpledressescustomsewing.com." Can you imagine running a business with a URL like that? Your business card would have to be two feet long and your company van would have to be a stretch limousine. When people ask you for your URL, they would grow old and die before you got done telling it to them. I don't care what's on this site, because my God, that URL is longer than anything I've ever written in my life.

But if you look at the site, and you probably should for the sake of science, you will see that the long URL is worth it. Just beyond the mountain is a beautiful valley filled to the brim with the kind of Christians that make you truly fear for the existence of God. But on the plus side if you want to dress like an Amish movie starlet, they can hook you up. Nothing too vain, mind you. Just modest things like capes and dresses that look like they were scientifically designed to make the wearer look as genderless and bland as possible.

What's especially helpful is the practical advice you can garner from a website that serves as a holy encapsulation of Jesus' taste in fashion:

A Christian Internet Code of Ethics
As a Christian who is active on the internet, I hold myself to certain standards of conduct. They are:

• I guard my online relationships
• I am careful to visit websites that do not compromise my life in Christ
• I take care that my written communications reflect Christ in my life
• I guard my time to assure that my time online is kept in proper balance with the rest of my life and family time

I don't mean to crap on anybody's faith, but let me get this straight: you have to dress in clothing that makes your barn look more stylish, you spend your entire life tending to farm animals while dressed like some kind of "old timey actor" from a state park, and when you get on the Internet you can't even curse like a sailor and spend your money on vintage Hitler pornography without committing at least eleven deadly sins? I'm a fairly conservative and thoroughly boring guy in terms of lifestyle, but this particular incarnation of Christianity is about three levels worse than my idea of Hell.

We call these "Blessing" dresses because children are truly a blessing from God. Out of ignorance to God's word we used "the pill" closing the womb for eight years after our first child. Then by Bible reading Christ came into our lives and we submitted to God's will; allowing HIM total control of family planning thereafter. God graciously gave us eight more children.

Yes that's what happens when you have sexual intercourse with no birth control! It truly is a miracle paid for and distributed by God Almighty! If some idiot eats rat poison and gets sick, it's not the will of God. It's the will of idiocy losing to the power of rat poison. After two children, a man should ideally go out to his barn and not return until his vas deferens have been thoroughly severed. All and all, this site is an amazing insight into how some people might have lived 200 years ago.

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff