Unworthy Goon Gifts (Part 1 of 2)
My father got one of these for my girlfriend.
A fucking Stair Stepper. A cheap ass one at that.
Thanks dad, for the gift that made the woman I love question her figure for a whole year. Asshole.
Really, mom and dad? What made you think I would want a gym membership? When have you ever known me to go to the gym? Do you know me at all?
One year my aunt (who is a rich and terrible bitch and looks down on my parents and me for being poor and has openly said so) bought me a Christian self-help book. Fuck you bitch. That's like the most passive aggressive thing ever.
Really sis? I wouldn't instantly realize your gift of CS Lewis books and the promise of a future book "that's very similar, a little more challenging but a lot more rewarding" is an invitation down jesus lane? /r/atheism is going to fhave a field day.
I got a book called Uncommon: Finding Your Path to Significance, by Tony Dungy. It's a book for young Christian men, and it's all about how to live your life with the principals set forth by GOD AND FOOTBALL. I am not Christian, nor am I a man. I have never shown any interest in football. This was a gift from my grandparents. It is used (not that I have anything against used books, but it is filled with questionable stains), and a slap in the face. I had a breakdown and dropped out of college this year. Thanks, Grampa!
For comparison, my mother got a Nook from them; my sister got designer clothes.
A religious pamphlet? Clever move, dying Grandma, but let's see how you like it when I stand up next to your hospital bed wearing my V for Vendetta mask while you slowly expire.
Every year without fail, my Grandma gets me a toothbrush and toothpaste. This would be fine except the fact that my other siblings get money, and clothes, and other neat stuff. She and I have been at it since she found out I don't go to church, or really worship at all. So year after year I get my toothbrush/toothpaste.